High-Value Woman

I’ve been thinking today about the changes I’m making in my life, changes that should bring about me living a life that’s more aligned with who I am deep down and that led me to thinking about the men in my life, or rather, the kind of man I want to attract. That man is a High Value Man (HVM). I had a rough idea in my head of what a HVM is but I went online and did some research into what qualities the internet thinks a HVM should possess but then I realised that it was much simpler than that. To attract a HVM I needed to be a High Value Woman (HVW) so I researched that instead. I found an interesting article that said this (although it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true)…

There are three boxes guys place women in, the order of which is as follows:
Box No. 1: Girl I would sleep with (Sex Category)
Box No. 2: Girl I would casually date/have sex with and introduce to my friends (Casual Dating Category).
Box No. 3: Girl I would have long-term relationship with and introduce to my family (Girlfriend/Marriage Category).
Box No. 1 is usually visual and based on lust. It doesn’t mean a girl has to be the hottest woman he’s ever seen by any stretch of the imagination – it just means he has to feel some base tug of sexual chemistry.
Box No. 2 is the woman for whom he feels attraction, but she will also possess a few other key qualities that make her fun for more than one night, such as being:

  • Good company
  • Fun to hang out with
  • Easy or intelligent conversation
  • Able to charm his friends
  • Not embarrassing/nasty/bitchy in public
  • Good-natured and has a sense of humour

Box No. 3 has far greater criteria, and requires a man to see evidence of specific high value traits, such as:

  • A strong sense of purpose and direction in life
  • Independence and interests/pursuits that give her fulfillment
  • A commitment to growth and ability to improve
  • Looking after her health and treating her body with respect
  • Strong standards for how she should be treated that she sticks to
  • A feeling of self-worth and internal validation
  • Sexual confidence and ability to be adventurous in bed
  • Ability to turn him on emotionally and sexually
  • Absence of neediness
  • Willingness to love him for who he is and encourage him
  • A lifestyle that she loves living and good relationships with people around her
  • Absence of drama

These are just some of the major traits that men are unconsciously seeking out when they begin dating someone. The more high value traits a woman shows, the quicker he puts her straight into the Girlfriend Category. This is why some guys claim they ‘just know’ that a girl is a keeper – because early on they see evidence that the girl they are dating is high value and thus irreplaceable (providing he’s in the right time in his life for a commitment of course).

What I can clearly see from this box is that for Gary, I went straight into Box 2 but that is also where I stayed, in part because of who he is, not just because of who I am. Although I met his friends, I never met his family. I did meet his children but then so did many of his previous girlfriends but I never met his mum or sister, the two people that count in terms of relationship validation for him. But, that’s all by the by because it’s the future that matters and what really matters is that I am a HVW for the next relationship I have. So, out of all of the qualities above, these are what I think I already possess from box 2:

  • Good company (Most of the time)
  • Fun to hang out with (Mostly, although that could be worked on)
  • Easy or intelligent conversation (Once I’m over the initial shyness)
  • Able to charm his friends (I don’t charm but I am able to a decent human being around others)
  • Not embarrassing/nasty/bitchy in public (I’m never that)
  • Good-natured and has a sense of humour (Yes, mostly always)

So, where box two is concerned I think I’m okay.
Box 3, this is how I think I fare:

  • A strong sense of purpose and direction in life (No, this definitely needs working on)
  • Independence and interests/pursuits that give her fulfillment (Yes, I’m very independent and have lots of interests.)
  • A commitment to growth and ability to improve (Yes. This is and has been my life’s goal since 2002/2003.)
  • Looking after her health and treating her body with respect (This is a work in progress with still more to do.)
  • Strong standards for how she should be treated that she sticks to (No, I need to work on this some more)
  • A feeling of self-worth and internal validation (It’s better than it was but more work is needed)
  • Sexual confidence and ability to be adventurous in bed (I have no problem in this area within my limits)
  • Ability to turn him on emotionally and sexually (I think I’m okay here too)
  • Absence of neediness (This could do with some work)
  • Willingness to love him for who he is and encourage him. (I have failed to do this in my last two relationships even though I have really wanted to. My failure has come from being unable to accept Gary as an alcoholic who is neglectful of our relationship and Phil as someone who lacks self love. However, if they were high value men, these issues might not exist)
  • A lifestyle that she loves living and good relationships with people around her (On the whole, yes)
  • Absence of drama (I try my hardest to stay away from drama and I try not to create it either, although with Gary that hasn’t always been the case.)

So it’s clear to me what areas I need to work on.

  • A strong sense of purpose and direction in life
  • Looking after her health and treating her body with respect
  • Strong standards for how she should be treated that she sticks to
  • A feeling of self worth and internal validation
  • Absence of neediness

 I can see that I need to look at each point and break it down further.

1. Purpose and direction. Currently and for a long time, I’ve been going through life and letting it lead me and while that’s not a terrible thing it would be good for me to have purpose and some kind of direction and so, because this has been playing on my mind for a long time, I would say the direction I need in my life is a career that enables me to come off benefits completely.  A direction of self sufficiency which means I can rent any house I want (within budget) or be in the position to buy or, if I should meet a man one day, be in a position to pay my own way in the relationship. I’m not in a financially attractive position at this point in my life, I know that, I’ve always known that. HVM don’t want to date a woman who they have to end up financially supporting, they want an equal partnership and so I need to make that happen by really focusing and working hard towards a career that pays. 

2.  Health and body. I changed my diet last year and lost almost two stone which was a big improvement but I haven’t improved my fitness. I need to get back to eating 100% paleo because I’ve been quite haphazard with it lately and I need/want to get fitter. Start running again, swimming, yoga and weights to tone up.

3. Strong standards for how others treat me. This is a hard one because this means really standing up to people even when they make my doubt myself by telling me I’m in the wrong or being too sensitive. It means letting people go and sticking to it even when I feel bad for how they’re feeling or even when I miss something about them or just when I’m lonely. It’s the Zero Tolerance I talked about towards the end of last year and being strong enough to implement that constantly. I’m going to have to work really hard on this one.

4. Self worth and internal validation. I actually believe this one will develop naturally when I really start to work with 1, 2 and 3.

5. Neediness. I don’t think I am too needy, the only times in my life I’ve been needy has been with Gary and Tom. The two men who only ever worried about their needs being met and never about mine to the point of outright neglect. So the key here is not to be with men who don’t even try to meet my needs within a relationship, men who don’t give their all, as I do, to them. The same as number 4, I believe this one will work itself out with the others being worked on and by attracting a High-Value Man.

This is where I am this year. I see little point in dating anyone while I’m working on these goals, especially goal 1 and 2 but at some point, I can see that I need to date to test out the rest of them.

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