When I was married to Greg, I read a book called Are You The One For Me, that really helped me to see that our marriage was never going to work because we were completely incompatible and it really gave me the thing I needed to leave him. A few weeks ago I came across the same book on Amazon so I ordered it and have been flicking through every now and then. This evening I had a look at the compatability section of the book and did some working out. The first thing you have to do is make a list of ALL of the things your ideal partner should have. Now obviously there’s no such thing as perfection but you might as well aim for as close as possible rather than settling for far less than you want or deserve. My ideal man would be:  

Physical Style

  • taller than 5’8
  • good looking
  • Have dark hair or be bald
  • Have brown eyes
  • Have kind eyes
  • Be of average or athletic build
  • Doesn’t smoke
  • Doesn’t take drugs
  • Only drinks on a night out
  • Doesn’t go out more than once a fortnight drinking
  • Exercises regularly but not obsessively
  • Dresses well, reasonably fashionable for not over the top or too young for his age
  • Has the ability to slob out at times too
  • Happy for me to slob out
  • Notices when I make an effort and dress up
  • Must shower at least once a day
  • I must feel a physical attraction towards him

 Emotional Style

  • Sensitive to how I feel
  • Must be affectionate
  • Must like own space at times
  • Must give me own space at times
  • Must treat me as an equal
  • Must respect me as a woman and not see me as less than him
  • Supportive and encouraging of my dreams
  • Kind towards me at all times
  • Expresses emotions healthily
  • Says I love you often
  • Committed to me and shows that commitment
  • Emotionally mature
  • Doesn’t play games
  • Makes effort to spend quality time with me regularly
  • Faithful and devoted
  • Makes our relationship a priority and views it as something sacred in his life
  • Not jealous, possessive or clingy

Social Style

  • Kind and loving
  • Confident, high self-esteem, comfortable in himself
  • Accepting of all, regardless of race, religion, gender, sexuality, etc
  • Willing to explore new things or places
  • Has an edge of being in charge but still respectful
  • Great sense of humour, inappropriate
  • Loves to laugh and have fun
  • Positive and happy, deep down
  • Down to earth
  • Sensitive
  • Gets on easily with people
  • Is liked by others
  • Enjoys the odd wild night out dancing, partying
  • Enjoys nights in
  • Polite
  • Has friends of both sexes that he sees regularly

Intellectual Style

  • Averagely educated or above
  • Lots of life experience, good and bad
  • Has a creative side and uses it regularly
  • Interested in a variety of things
  • Wants to share his interests and mine together at times
  • Interested in culture
  • Sees learning everywhere
  • Supports and encourages home education
  • Sees learning value in people and experiences
  • Sees the importance of a valuable life
  • Enjoys new things or at least trying
  • Loves to read
  • Likes to write
  • Can spell and use the correct grammar
  • Enjoys philosophical debates 

Sexual Style

  • Enjoys regular sex, at least 2-3 times a week
  • Doesn’t make sex the most important thing in relationship
  • Views sex as a way to share love together
  • Is able and wants to receive pleasure
  • Is able and wants to give pleasure
  • Sensual, romantic, tender lover some of the time
  • Wild, insatiable, adventurous lover some of the time
  • Romantic and uses language as foreplay
  • Strokes, caresses, teases, kisses
  • Loves foreplay
  • Cares about after play/cuddling
  • Easily aroused
  • No sexual hangups
  • Isn’t into anal, hardcore BDSM etc
  • Comfortable with his own body
  • Accepts and loves my body

Communication Style

  • Wants to talk in person or on phone more than texting
  • Loves to hold deep, meaningful conversations
  • Tells me in a healthy way when he’s upset
  • Calm, patient and rarely shouts or loses temper
  • Good listener
  • Shares himself, his life, his past easily
  • Articulate in his speech
  • Open to honest and very open discussion 
  • Willing to discuss problems 
  • Willing to work through communication to fix any problems
  • Doesn’t blame but takes responsibility for his own shit and/or feelings
  • Tells me what’s going on for him and what he’s feeling
  • Open and accepting of my feelings
  • Calls me out on my shit but in a constructive, kind way
  • Open to me calling him out on his shit, in a constructive, kind way
  • Not abusive at all, no name calling included

Professional/Financial Style

  •  Financially responsible
  • Not work obsessed
  • Works more for love than for money
  • Puts 100% into his work while doing it
  • Not obsessed with money
  • Willing for our money to be shared and equal
  • Not threatened by my financial situation whether I’m earning more or less than him
  • Doesn’t use money as a weapon
  • Generous towards himself and others
  • Willing to give some of his money to charity or the homeless/people in need
  • Doesn’t need to pay for me, happy for me to pay my way and take turns
  • Honest
  • Ethical
  • Doesn’t gamble

Personal Growth Style

  • Committed to personal growth
  • Reads books, articles etc on personal growth
  • Can see his own shortcomings and willing to work on them
  • Encourages me to work on my shortcomings with patience and understanding
  • Supports my personal growth
  • Allows me to support his personal growth and his shortcomings through patience and understanding
  • Accepts help from others
  • Enjoys deep discussions about personal growth
  • Isn’t competitive about growth
  • Respectful of the directions our growth could take us
  • Makes concrete changes
  • Sets goals and sticks to them
  • Open to counselling if necessary
  • Family orientated and accepts, respects and loves my children

Spiritual Style

  • Believes and trusts in the power of the universe
  • Open to spiritual things
  • Not obsessed or too far into the spiritual though
  • Optimistic, positive attitude to life
  • Trusts in life
  • Embraces all that life brings his way
  • Gains as much from the negative parts of life as the positive
  • Sees everything as an opportunity to learn and grow
  • Isn’t religious
  • Compassionate towards anyone less fortunate than himself
  • Respectful of all living things


  • Enjoys a variety of music
  • Respects my musical choices
  • Plays an instrument
  • Likes to dance occasionally
  • Likes to read
  • Likes to write
  • Enjoys films/cinema
  • Has own hobbies and pursues them often
  • Doesn’t try and stand in the way of my hobbies
  • Enjoys art
  • Enjoys classical music
  • Has a creative outlet of some kind
  • Likes history
  • Has something totally different from me that he can share with me
  • Willing to share hobby but wants his own time for his hobby too

Currently, that’s my list although things could be added or changed over time. Now for the compatability bit. What you do is score each item on each list like this:
Almost always 5
Frequently       4
Sometimes       3
Occasionally    2
Rarely or never 1

You work each section out separately first scoring the possible score and then the actual score for each person and then afterwards work out the overall possible score and the overall actual score, convert to a percentage and see what you compatibility percentage is like so…

  • Physical style is a possible 85
  • Emotional style is a possible 85
  • Social style is a possible 80
  • Intellectual style is a possible 80
  • Sexual style is a possible 80
  • Communication style is a possible 80
  • Financial style is a possible 70
  • Personal growth style is a possible 70
  • Spiritual style is a possible 70
  • Interests is a possible 75
  • Total possible score is 770

I worked out the scores for each significant relationship that I’ve had:
Gary’s Total  363/770 = 47% compatibility with us being most compatible in physical, sexual and financial/professional styles but even those were only around the 60% mark.
Phil’s Total  676/770 = 88% compatibility with us being compatible in all areas apart from physical attraction which only scored 54% but for me was everything.
Tom’s Total 387/770 = 50% compatibility with us being most compatible in physical, emotional and social styles.
Greg’s Total 407/770 = 53% compatibility with us being most compatible in physical and professional and least in communication.
Danny’s Total 557/770 = 72% compatibility with us being most compatible in sexual and social areas.

What I can conclude from my findings is that I’ve always put the physical and the sexual as a matter of importance in relationships but that this has never worked out for me. I can also see how many years of my life I have wasted spending it with men that I’m not even compatible with and while my time with Phil, the one I was most compatible with, was a time I was most satisfied in the most areas, that physical and sexual attraction not being there really affected the relationship and doomed it to failure. I like to think that I could change and learn to see beyond the physical and the sexual but I don’t think that will happen. While I want the emotional and intellectual connections, to me, the physical side matters massively too so maybe I just need to embrace that as a part of who I am and not settle for someone that I’m not compatible with in those areas?

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