I went out for a few drinks with my friend, Summer on Saturday night. We ended up in a club surrounded wall to wall with young people. Everywhere we looked, there were tight, wrinkle-free skinned, pert boobed, energetic youngsters. We both felt so old and out of place and soon left to find a nice quiet pub. Yesterday, I attended a hospital appointment for my weak bladder. As I sat in the waiting room, I looked around and found myself staring at a room full of wrinkled, grey-haired, nappy wearing oldies and I felt so young and out of place, except I clearly wasn’t or I wouldn’t have been there. (I don’t wear a nappy. Yet.)
I woke this morning feeling shit. I thought about Saturday night and I thought about my children and I realised that life is just starting for all of them. Ahead for my kids and all those that were out on Saturday night is fun, laughter, dancing, love, children, work, career, holidays, family and whatever else they can fill their 20s and 30s with. That ship for me has sailed. I can’t see what I have to look forward to.
The kids are going to leave home, I’m not going to have more children, by choice as much as age. I fail when it comes to love or men so it’s probably best not to even bother. I feel too old to start anything new, I have no confidence to begin anything, I have no money, I don’t even own my own home and I have very few prospects. I just can’t see where my life is going to head and how I can be happy when the future looks so bleak and murky.
I spent the entire day feeling miserable and hopeless about the future and the only thing remotely interesting or different about my day was having to get an almost bald tyre changed. Is this, and pissy pants, what my life has become? Is this all that I’m going to have to look forward to?