A Victim of my Own Success?

The doorbell rang tonight, I wasn’t expecting anyone so assumed it would be a Jehovah Witness or a salesman. When I opened the door, Gary was stood there. I was not expecting that at all. I never thought in a million years that he would turn up at my door. I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to know why I’d not been answering his calls or texts. I told him I’d blocked him months ago as I didn’t want him in my life anymore. He was hurt. We chatted on the doorstep for about an hour. I told him that I’d been a bit of a mess for a while and basically just shut out anyone and anything that causes me stress. He asked what was wrong but I didn’t want to tell him, it’s none of his business. He said he was sorry for the times he hurt me and asked if he could give me a hug. I refused and he looked crestfallen. I then explained that I wasn’t comfortable with hugging on the doorstep for everyone to see so I invited him in just for a minute and we shared a hug. I felt emotionally numb although it was nice to feel him physically against me. When he pulled away I noticed her was barely holding it together and then he begin to cry a little and said that it had hurt him so much when I blocked him as he missed me so much and had wanted us to stay friends. We hugged again and soon after he left saying he’d like to be friends again but that it was up to me, that he wouldn’t be blocking me from anywhere and so if I wanted to contact him I could.

And the thing is, I do want to. Seeing him has reignited all of my old feelings for him just as it always used to. But I know that just because he’s being really lovely tonight doesn’t mean he’ll stay really lovely. 

He texted me an hour or so later to thank me for talking to him tonight and we ended up having a long text conversation. I caved in and told him about how alone I’ve felt with no love in my life, no career, no anything apart from the kids. I told him how a few weeks ago I felt like giving up and he said something quite surprising and lovely. He said, “You’re one of the strongest people I know and I’m shocked that you’d consider giving up. You are the last person I can think of to think that way, but I suppose we all have our limits. You may be the common denominator with me and your ‘friends’ but I think it’s actually us, me and them that are in the wrong.  You were right when you once said you’re hard work but that our failings as friends/partners….you have high expectations of us and that is hard to live up to sometimes. When we do fail, you punish yourself more than us, bottle it up and put up with it when you should perhaps have a rant. When we look at you, we see this strong, carefree, funny person who has a cracking personality, so we think, “Good old Annie, she’ll be okay if I don’t ring or if I let her down as she doesn’t need me.” What we don’t see is the vulnerable Annie that you keep locked away and thus we think we can’t or won’t hurt you, but we plainly do and are. You’re a victim of your own success, if that makes sense? Although you like your own company, deep down you’re a people person and need to be around people, so being a hermit can’t be doing you any favours. If you ever feel like giving up again please phone me and I will give you 100 reasons for you not to. You know where I am should you need to vent or if you need a hug.”

And just like that, the last eight months of thinking I’d made the right decision has come crashing down around me.

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