I feel awful today, not surprisingly. I had just a few hours of crap sleep and woke up feeling just like I used to months ago – wanting Gary back. I don’t want friendship with him, I want a relationship but I don’t want a relationship with him whereby he treats me the way he always has and so I texted him and told him that I don’t think we can be friends because I want more and it’s too painful to be friends with someone when you’re constantly wishing it was more than that. I said that despite that I wouldn’t risk a relationship with him again as it would bring me nothing but pain and insecurity and that he hadn’t even offered me that. He replied saying he didn’t know I felt that way, that he loved me, in his own way, but couldn’t give me what I needed right now and maybe not ever but thought he’d probably wake up one day and realise the mistake he’s making but that he felt that it was better than being with me and hurting me again.
I put down my phone and thought about why this has happened now. Months and months of no contact but then right when I’m about to leave this house and this town and right after I had that dream where I really let Gary go, he suddenly shows up. It feels like a test from the Universe and passing or failing it determines the next chapter of my life. I can listen to my old feelings and try and form a relationship with Gary and even though I’ll be moving house, I’ll still be taking him with me or I move house, leave him and everything else behind and actually have a fresh start.