I had a dream last night that I was with Gary, we were waiting to be alone so we could have sex. I was really looking forward to it and to sharing time together with him. It reached the time we could have together when Gary went to the bathroom. I rang him and he said that he was masturbating. I walked along to the bathroom and crept in. Inside looked like a bedroom and Gary was on the bed stroking his penis. I went over to him, sat on top of him which made his penis go inside of me. Gary’s mouth turned right down, he looked miserable and angry and then I realised that he only wanted me on his terms and not for anything I might want.
I woke this morning and really understood how allowing Gary back into my life would 100% be a one-way deal, all in his favour. With Gary, I would never get my needs or wants met, it would always be about him. The Universe does indeed work in mysterious ways.
But maybe its ways are timed and orchestrated perfectly to help us to be our best possible selves and perhaps first we have to face our worst selves. Why did Gary come back into my life three days ago? To throw me back to insecurity and pain, because that’s what happened yesterday? I spent the whole day feeling shit, worse than I’ve felt for months just for having spent an hour in his company. I know he’s not right for me, at least he’s not right for me in a world where love rules and mental and emotional happiness comes first but he is perfect for me in a world where, deep down, I believe in other things.
A few days ago, I offered to help someone proofread the first chapter of their book. I considered myself to be fairly well qualified for the job due to my passions for reading, writing and grammar. I proofread the chapter she sent me, it took me hours as she’d made so many mistakes but I really enjoyed doing it. So much so that I gave serious thought to training to be a proofreader. It’s a job that would fit perfectly around my family’s needs, I could work from home, I could choose my hours, get paid pretty well and enjoy what I do so today I decided to see if there were any online proofreading tests I could do as practice. I found one and did it, confident in my abilities. I scored 65% accuracy and was utterly disappointed in myself.
I looked over my mistakes and found my errors to be mostly down to laziness rather than not knowing and yet all I could hear after that was, ‘You’re not good enough’, ‘You’ll never be good enough’, ‘What’s the point in trying, you’re crap’, ‘Give up, you’re shit.’ And on and on, in a loop of never-ending vitriol and then my immediate thought straight after that was, ‘I might contact Gary.‘ My need to see Gary at that moment was great and it was all because I believed I wasn’t good enough and so all I was ever going to be good for was the likes of Gary, someone who doesn’t treat me well enough because I don’t think I deserve to be treated well. All because my belief about myself is worthlessness.
My belief about myself in many areas is that I’m okay at quite a lot of things but I’m not good or great at any one thing and this reflects in my outer world. I don’t attract men that treat me like shit 100% of the time but I do attract men that yo-yo between treating me like shit and then treating me as though I’m the best thing since sliced bread. It’s a hook and it gets me every time. It lulls me into a false sense of security and then drops me back down into the depths of its bowels and the same goes, not only for men and relationships but for anything I try and do in life. It doesn’t matter what I try to do as a hobby or a career, I get nowhere because while my initial thoughts are that I can do it and that I’m good enough, as soon as I take the very first step towards making it happen, I come across the truth as I see it, that I am in fact a failure and so, therefore, I fail because at that point I stop trying.
However, what I don’t ever do, what I’ve never done, is keep going even in the face of adversity. I allow this stupid, self-limiting belief system of mine to take hold like bindweed and swallow me whole but not this time. This time I’m angry and I don’t usually feel that way. I’m angry and I’m going to use that to fuel an uncharted route to a future that I’ve only ever dreamed about. I don’t need to give up, hating myself. I don’t need to contact Gary and allow him to abuse my body and my soul and I don’t need to abuse myself by giving in to all this bullshit. Instead, I need to find the steps to take that will lead me forward, not backwards, not round and round in circles but forwards onto a new, unknown path. So despite how much I feel worthless right now and how much I believe I can’t, I have to start showing myself that I can. However I can, doing whatever it takes.