I feel shit.
I decided to have a few sessions with a counsellor to support me as I go through these new changes and Gary making a reappearance. I expected my sessions to bring stuff up which would unsettle me and I’d be okay with that because it’s a process but that’s not why I feel shit. I feel this way because I said to my therapist, Caroline, that one of my biggest fears is that I could be narcissistic, given that my Dad is, Mum is and two of my sisters. Caroline spoke about the out and out narcissists who will never change such as Donald Trump and then said that based on some of the things I’ve said to her so far, which would suggest that sometimes I may same things and not realise how they could affect other people, that she does think I may have a mild personality disorder and then she left it there and said that our time was up.
She should never have said so close to the end of a session or at the least, she should have taken the time to explain her thoughts further. Now I have to spend the next week wondering and worrying about what’s wrong with me and surely she should have thought about how, deep down, I’ve always wondered if there’s something wrong with me and maybe that’s why my parents treated me the way they did and that’s why all of my exes have treated me like crap and that now, that makes those thoughts worse. No wonder nobody has been able to love me fully or long term when maybe there is something inherently wrong with me after all.
Of course, now I can’t stop thinking that maybe Tom was right all along. He always used to call me mad or bipolar or just plain mental. He said I was oversensitive, as did Gary and probably a whole host of other things too and maybe he was right after all? The thing is though, the biggest thing, is that I wasn’t like this before Tom came along. I was sane and I was whole. I was fucking normal. Now I’ve possibly got a personality disorder?
I researched the subject and found a couple of online questionnaires to determine the likelihood. I rated 43% likely to be histrionic and isn’t this, my writing today and for the last decade, enough evidence of that? Just because I’m not showing it outwardly, doesn’t mean it’s not going on inwardly. But the descriptions that I’ve read have said that the Histrionic Personality Disorder is generally categorised by behaviours such as constant attention-seeking and I hate attention and do everything I can not to draw attention to myself; emotional overreaction, suggestibility and over-dramatising situations. Maybe I do emotionally overreact to things but again, inwardly, but the others, I’m not so sure of.
The fact is, she hasn’t even said in which way I could be imbalanced and that’s the problem. She should have explained this further. Now, I have to spend the next week thinking the worst and doubting every aspect of who I am and the worst thing is, I’m now paranoid that I’m emotionally over-reacting which makes me not want to write here and share the fucked-up-ness of my mind for all to read about. I wanted to believe that I came through life unscathed, despite all that life has thrown at me. Who was I trying to fool?