I saw the counsellor again today. We didn’t do EMDR this week, she didn’t want to so instead, we talked quite a lot about Mum and my relationship with her and how she was when I was a child. I think talking about her has made me realise just how much of a negative impact she had on my life. I think she gave me the belief that nothing I ever did was good enough because everything I did, for her or for myself, she would criticise. There were times I was petrified of her and her moods and of being berated by her again and again.
In the evening, I got a message from Gary. It’s been four weeks since he came round and I told him I don’t want to be friends and so his text wasn’t exactly welcomed. He asked how I was and if we’d moved yet. I told him we’d moved a few days ago. He asked how the counselling was going, I said it was revealing some interesting things about how my parents’ behaviour towards me had impacted negatively on my life as an adult and he said, “I wish we’d met after you’d had all your counselling.” I asked him why and he replied that if I’d have been happier in myself I might have been able to handle him a bit better! Absolutely no change there then. He thinks he can stay the same and carry on regardless. Little does he know that we’d have never have got together if I’d already have had the psychotherapy because with hard work and commitment to my healing, I won’t be attracted to men like Gary – at least that’s the plan. I cut the conversation short after that and ended it by saying that I stand by what I said about not wanting to be friends and now that I’ve moved, I want a fresh start and then I blocked and deleted his number and now, he has no way of getting holding me or finding me.