Tom said that he dreamt about me last night and nearly three years on from leaving him, it gave me … More
Tag: Diarist
Fool
I’m right back to where I was a few months ago. I don’t think I can carry this on for … More
Men
There’s no way that what I’m about to write can even begin to convey how angry I am right now. … More
Fabrication of The Truth
I feel so angry today. Yesterday, my Dad, who has an interest in photography, created a new blog to show … More
Forgetting
I woke up still feeling really angry about having to take Jasper away with us then spoke to Karen and … More
Decision Maker
Last week, Phil said he’d booked for us to go away this weekend to meet his Dad’s side of the … More
Intimate Love
I went to Phil’s last night, I couldn’t wait to see him. I got straight in his bed, I needed … More
Hurting Him
I am slowly destroying Phil. I don’t mean to, I really don’t want to but I don’t seem to be … More
Square One
I went for lunch with my friend, Karen. The place where we chose to eat was quite quirky and unusual … More
The Music of Love
Phil came around last night, he wanted to talk. I realised that it’s time to let go of the bullshit … More
A Different Perspective
I’ve been missing Phil. Last week I craved for him. I needed his warmth, love and security. I needed to … More
Missing Mojo
I’ve lost my mojo. I’ve spent the past few days searching everywhere I can think of but its nowhere to … More
The Single Parent Debate
Last week, my cousin wrote a comment on her Facebook wall directly after I posted something about having a takeaway, … More
1000 Days
It’s 1000 days since I left Tom. I no longer have anger or resentment towards him and on the whole … More
I Will Survive
I went to a nightclub with my friends, Sandy, Karen and Daisy tonight, it was one of the worst nights … More
Unravelling
My auntie, who had special needs, spent a lot of her time knitting squares. The squares would then be sewn … More
Dipping My Toes In The Water
I went on a date with Theo last night. I arrived at the place we’d arranged to me and spotted … More
Not Enough
I joined a dating site last week and have been chatting with a man called Theo. He’s intelligent, funny, interesting, … More
Missing Him
I miss Phil. I never thought this would happen but the last couple of days I’ve really missed him. I’ve … More
Break Up
I ended things with Phil tonight. He has given me so much extra stress over the last few months; when … More
The First Regret of The Year
Had I put a little more thought into how I wanted the first day of 2013 to start, I probably … More
Deep
When you have a counselling session that goes quite deep it can leave you feeling a little bit like you’re … More
Pushed Away
I finally got our new home into a nice condition to live in today. The new carpets got put down … More
Still
I’ve ended things with Phil. He tried to change my mind but I’m not backing down. I just don’t want … More
A Stressful Month
The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I … More
Opportunity Knocks
My Dad rang me today to say that he was going to be buying an investment property and wanted to … More
Me Time
In a few weeks time, Annie’s going to be going away with Tom which coincides with Alice and Katie going … More
Intuition
Two days ago I had an overwhelming urge to speak to Craig again. We haven’t spoken properly since November other … More
Suffocated
I’ve just got back from twenty-four hours at Phil’s and it’s become clear to me that the lack of physical … More
Worming
Tom has been being really helpful lately and I can’t help thinking that it’s because he’s trying to worm his … More
Ghost
I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. … More
Emotional Crutch
Phil and I went out for dinner last night and then back to his for some drinks. I stayed over, … More
Truth Built On Lies
Tom sent me another email today. . .“I have wondered how I would feel when you finally start to see … More
He Knows
The last three days have been horrible. I told Tom about Phil, he had to know sooner or later. I … More
Stumbling Block
Yesterday evening was spent round at Phil’s being treated to dinner and drinks. It was nice but this morning, I … More
Welcome Home
Annie came home last night. I can’t begin to describe the relief I felt when she walked through the door. … More
Revelations
With all the older kids at their Dad’s house for the weekend and Annie away with Tom, Phil took me … More
Powerless Once More
Tomorrow, Annie goes away for seven days with Tom. It will be the first time she’s been away from me … More
Higher Self
I woke this morning feeling pretty awful, not ill or tired, just a profound need to be alone and retreat … More
Falling In Love
I don’t want a relationship. I’ve only been single for 19 months. Since I was 14 I’ve only been single … More
Instinctively Confused
I just knew today was going to be a testing day. I slept really badly, a combination of my back … More
The Truth Will Set You Free
I’ve told Phil about Tom. I’ve just spent the entire morning getting it all out an email so he knows … More
The Right Decision
Tom was rude to me again today. I thought I’d be kind and see if he wanted to pick Annie … More
A Christmas Gift
What better day than Christmas day to have a massive realisation that you really feel deep within, one that resonates … More
Russian Dolls
At my counselling session today Sam gave me a set of Russian Dolls and asked me to take them home … More
Nothing Changes
It’s my 38th birthday today, in the afternoon Tom rang, he’s been visiting his family for the last few days. … More
Needy
At my counselling session today I told Sam that I think I’m too needy. Sam asked me to tell her … More
Deluge
For far too long I’ve felt like just giving in; surrendering to my pain and allowing myself to drop deeper into … More
In My Head
It was my nephew’s 18th birthday today. He just wanted close family to join him for a meal so we … More
Eat, Eat, Eat
For the second time, I am reading Eat Pray Love. The first time I read the book it touched me. … More
Family Loyalty
While Tom was around collecting Annie, his phone rang. His happy tone of voice as he spoke piqued my interest. … More
Weak
I took the kids to a theme park today. Tom joined us. I didn’t want him to and the older … More
Ugly
My weekend in Ireland was a mixed bag of laughter and insecurity. It was great to spend a weekend with … More
Anxious
This year has been challenging so far, to say the least. The year began with depression swallowing me whole. I … More
Love
Eleven months have passed since I moved into this house and away from Tom, I don’t even want to think … More
No Regrets
I woke this morning after a terrible night’s sleep, the wine had given me the most horrendous heartburn so I’d … More
Moving On
Five months have passed since I last saw Craig. The last time we met up, we almost had sex but … More
Consumed
I don’t quite know what’s wrong or how to even begin to put my finger on what may be wrong, … More
Attachments
It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying … More
Confusion
Tom and I have been thinking about trying to make another go of it but I don’t think it will … More
Weight of The World
When I left Tom I had no choice but to apply for financial assistance in the form of some benefits. … More
Letter To James
A few weeks ago when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch … More
This is Life
While carrying Annie’s toys up the stairs today, I tripped. I managed to regain my balance and then I tripped … More
In Hiding
It’s been two weeks since Jeanie died. My devastation is beyond anything I’ve felt before. It has shaken me to … More
Surrounded By Death
I started tracing my family tree two years ago. At a time when my world was really falling apart, it … More
Empty Heart
I’ve tried, I’ve really tried, but I cannot take Tom back into my heart. There’s barely enough room for me … More
Protection
Tom asked to have Annie round at his for a few hours this afternoon. I didn’t want her to go. … More
I Wish I Could Curl Up . . .
I wish I could curl up in my bed and stay there until it all goes away. Instead, I did the … More
Lost
It’s dark, raining, windy and gloomy. The weather is matching my current mood perfectly. I drove to the beach today, … More
In Despair
Annie went to Tom’s for a few hours today. When I picked her up and asked if she’d had a … More
The Pink Blanket
When I was a little girl I used to escape from a painful childhood by retreating to my bedroom and … More
Shattered
My heart feels as though it’s about to shatter with the pain of losing Jeanie. I turned to Tom during … More
Goodbye
As I say goodbye to 2010, a year of enormous personal change, I also have to say a gut-wrenchingly sad … More
Choosing Death
I received the devastating news tonight that my very dear friend, Jeanie, has attempted to take her life. She is … More
A Fucked Up Christmas
It was our first Christmas in our new home yesterday. Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas … More
Real Life Returns
Tom told me that he’s thinking of killing himself and has even worked out how he’ll do it. He says he’s … More
Almost
I met up with Craig for lunch again today except lunch was at my house and there was no food … More
The Simple Things
The simple things bring me the greatest pleasures these days. Waking to snow, donning our warmest clothes; hats, scarves, wellies … More
Happy
I went to see my sister, Millie, today. She took a few pictures of me and some of Annie. When … More
Desired
Craig and I met up again for lunch. This time though, instead of it being two people just chatting, there … More
Sexual Being
Craig’s refusal to just jump into bed with me knocked me last night but I’m glad he did. It made … More
Let’s Talk About Sex
I’ve broached the subject of sex with Craig. Taking those photographs a few days ago really got me thinking. I’ve … More
Naked Truth
Meeting Craig has been so good for me. We talk all the time and I really feel that for the … More
First Date
I went on a date with Craig today, the first date I’ve been on since leaving Tom and my first … More
Dating
I joined a dating site last week. I know it’s been less than three months since Tom and I split up … More
Two Months On
It’s been two months since we left our old life and moved into our new home. It was absolutely the … More
The Children Suffer Too
For the last year of living with Tom, Katie would come home from school, go straight to her bedroom and … More
A Safe Place
Most probably it’s the two glasses of wine I’ve had, combined with our new kitten moving in but tonight I … More
Scared
It’s quite a journey that I went on to realise how scared I am. It started by looking at some self-portraits … More
Learning To Walk Again
I built a bookcase today. I was tempted to ring him, ask him to do it and then I thought, … More
Choices
He came over today, as usual. At lunchtime, he asked if I had ham and chips. He said maybe he’d … More
Confidence
I received an email in response to one I’d sent to a client who’s going to be a volunteer for a … More
Powerless
I don’t miss him. I had a blip. Today he came over, he ate lunch in my house, he sat … More
Exposed
It’s been twenty-five days since I left him and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back … More
Happy Housewarming
I had five of my friends come over tonight to celebrate my new beginning with me. It’s the first time … More
When?
When will it come back? That elusive part of the self that goes missing when you go through really tough … More
Cruel Love
Silence’s alarm clock woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past. The past that, just yesterday, … More
The Bittersweet Taste of Goodbye
I’m lying on the floor of an unfamiliar bedroom in a strange house. Despite the absence of the discarded plastic … More
The Key
I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to a new house, a house that just me and … More
