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Tag: Diary

Mum Visits

Annie and I were in bed tonight at 6pm having a DVD evening. Half an hour later, the doorbell rang. … More

Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, Toxic Parent

You’ve Got To Be Cruel To Be Kind

I cut Phil out of my life completely tonight. Although we’ve had no face to face contact for a long … More

Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, Letting Go

Disrespected

One day last week, I went round to Tom’s to drop Annie off, as he walked past me he poked … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Sexual Assault

Highly Sensitive Person

After Phil sent me that link about Introverts the other day, I did a bit more research and came across … More

Diarist, Diary, Highly Sensitive Person, HSP, Intuition

Introvert

Phil, who I’m still in touch with every now and then, sent me an article tonight and it resonated so … More

Acceptance, Comfort Zone, Diarist, Diary, Introvert, Self Awareness

Heart Opening

 I was suddenly struck by a feeling of loneliness today, a feeling I realised is happening more and more lately. … More

Acceptance, Diarist, Diary, emptiness, Loneliness, Love, Relationship

When Nothing Seems Real

After deciding that we would go on a date together, Michael and I talked about where but then Linda suggested … More

Dating, Dating Anxiety, Diarist, Diary, first date, friend, Friends, honesty, integrity

Tom’s Legacy

My friendship with Linda has become really close lately and we share a lot of personal stuff with each other. … More

Abuse, Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, Friends, Healing Journey, Healing Process, legacy

Why Fix Something That Isn’t Broken?

I’m having some more fears coming up today about meeting Michael. I’m not worried about him, per se, I’m concerned … More

Dating, Dating Anxiety, Diarist, Diary, Relationship

Feeling Overwhelmed

Linda is making me feel really overwhelmed although I guess I’m feeling it anyway with Michael agreeing to a date … More

anxiety, Dating, Dating Anxiety, Diarist, Diary, Friends

Dating Anxiety

Linda’s brother, Michael and I have been texting for the last month and recently, I suggested we actually meet up … More

anxiety, Comfort Zone, Dating, Dating Anxiety, Diarist, Diary, Relationship Anxiety

Embrace Yourself

I gave Colin a lift home this morning so he didn’t have to get soaked in the rain. Instead of … More

Diarist, Diary, Friends, real me, Self Awareness, shadow self

An Unexpected Storm

I’ve been trying to work through the list that I wrote in April when I purged through a ton of … More

Anger, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, narcissism, Toxic Parent

Fear of Love

I went to Linda’s this morning and she said something that has resonated on a deep level and drove me … More

Diarist, Diary, Fear, Love

Acts of Love

I’m tired and melancholy today. The massage I had the other day, coupled with a heavy, painful period is working … More

Childhood Memories, Compromise, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, Reframing, safety net, Unconditional Love

Time To Find The Positives

I barely slept last night, I tossed and turned, I woke constantly. I kept waking in fear that someone had … More

anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, negativity, positivity, Toxic Parent

Imperfectly Perfect

I went to Linda’s for a massage today, after I’d got over a couple of hours of anxiety about being … More

Abuse, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Fear, friend, Healing Journey, Healing Process, Imperfection, loving parent, Psychotherapy, Relationship, self love, Therapy, Unconditional Love, vulnerable

Time to Deal with Dad

Last night I dreamt that I am driving a motor home but instead of there being a steering wheel, there … More

Diarist, Diary, Dream, Dream Interpretation, Healing Journey, Healing Process

Me Me Me

I’ve just had a conversation with Karen which was all about a challenging situation she’s going through at the moment. … More

Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Selfishness

Assumptions and Lies

I told a lie today, it’s not something that happens very often but I couldn’t face telling the truth and … More

Acceptance, apology, authentic life, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Fear, insecurities, Lies, real me, Rejection

A Lesson in Judgement

I had a conversation today with my friend, Colin, who I really love and value but his comments made me … More

Acceptance, Career, Choice, Co-sleeping, Counsellor, Diarist, Diary, Ego, empathy, empowerment, Friends, judgement, Overwhelmed, Parenting

My Son, My Saviour

I woke in such a great mood today. My energy has been high all week; a combination of connecting with … More

ADHD, Children, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, Healing Journey, integrity, Love, Parenting

Permission to Grieve

Sunday 7th September 2003 at 7pm is one of those dates and times that is etched in my mind and … More

Diarist, Diary, Grief, Healing Journey, Healing Process, limiting beliefs, loss, Love, Personal Growth

The Nitty Gritty of You

My Darling, My Future Love, As I sit here on this warm September afternoon I think about you yet I … More

Diarist, Diary, letter, Love, Nitty Gritty, Relationship, Sex, soulmate, Unconditional Love

Nostalgia

Katie and Annie went back to school this morning. I got up early enough to see Josh before he went … More

Diarist, Diary, Empty Nest, Happiness, nostalgia, Parenting

September Song

September has always felt more like a beginning than at any other time of the year. Probably it stems from … More

Autumn, Diarist, Diary, New Beginning, Relationship, September

Not Settling

I deleted my account from the dating site today. It wasn’t right, as I knew it wouldn’t be. I looked … More

Celibate, Dating, Dating Site, Diarist, Diary, loving the self, Mediocre, Self Awareness, Settling

On Yer Bike

Yet again, for probably the fourth time this year, I’ve decided to join a dating site. I don’t know if … More

Best Friend, Dating, Dating Anxiety, Dating Site, Diarist, Diary, friend, Personal Growth, Relationship Anxiety

The Pull

Despite Phil being in a relationship with someone else for the last six months, he offered me sex tonight. We … More

Attachments, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Connection, Intuition, Sex, Trust, Trusting Life, Unconditional Love

Stepping Stones

Phil emailed me last night to tell me that he’d had a meeting with his bosses to discuss the job … More

Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Self Awareness, stepping stones

Conflicting Beliefs

When I was growing up I clearly remember a lot of times when I was told by my mum,  ‘You … More

Childhood Conditioning, Comfort Zone, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, Parenting, questionning, Self Awareness, Self Discovery

Beyond Selfish

I am exhausted. I am so tired I could drop. I feel drained on every level and so tonight, after … More

Anger, Boundaries, Childhood Conditioning, Diarist, Diary, needs, personal needs, Selfishness, Stress, Toxic Parent

Friends Like These

Sometimes something sneaks up on me and takes me completely by surprise. Something that I think I’ve dealt with and … More

Acceptance, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Friends, inner child, Love, personal development, Personal Growth, Rejection, Self Awareness, unloved, vulnerable, Worthless

I’m Ready

Since the four year anniversary of leaving Tom two days ago, I’ve really felt as though a line has been … More

diairst, Diary, Love, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love

The Gift I Gave

This time four years ago today, I was lying on a mattress on the floor of my new house for … More

Diarist, Diary, Personal Growth, Self Awareness

Truth and Lies

Today I got the answer to my question from both Phil and Tom. Tom refused to answer. He said we … More

Diarist, Diary, Friends, Gaslighting, Self Awareness

Hardened

I’ve become hardened. The lack of love in my life is hardening me. I remember when I was with Phil, … More

Diarist, Diary, Kindness, negativity, Self Awareness

Saving The World

I’ve had a lot of problems with Katie’s school this week. I have thrown myself into trying to resolve the … More

bullying, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Rescue, emotional support, Healing Journey, Healing Process, Parenting, Rescuer, School, Self Awareness, support

The Slightest Change

My mood has been quite low today. My lack of positivity made my day harder than it needed to be … More

Alone, anxiety, Change, Diarist, Diary, Loneliness, Money, money problems, positivity, Unsupported

Setting Boundaries

I had my last counselling session with Pam today.  Tom and Josh had a very heated argument in my house … More

Boundaries, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, empowerment, Personal Empowerment, positivity, Therapy, Trusting Life

Inner Strength

After dropping Annie off at school, all the mums went into Karen’s for a catch up after the weekend. Whilst … More

Diarist, Diary, emotional support, Friends, Inner Peace, inner strength, positivity, single, single life, Stress, Trusting Life

Blissful

I went to two parties last night. The first was for my friend, Debbie’s 30th birthday. I stayed there until … More

diaries, Diary, Emotional Freedom, Equality, Freedom, Friends, needs, Party, personal needs, single, single life

My Father’s Playground

At my counselling session today, we talked a bit about Tom and my Dad. I told her how angry I … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, Relationship, self-defence

TimeLine

I asked myself a question today which ended up being very thought-provoking. ‘How much of my past have I allowed … More

Balance, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, negativity, Personal Growth, personal power, positivity, Self Awareness, timeline, transformation

Emotional Substitutes

At counselling today we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom, who had … More

Alone, childhood neglect, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, emptiness, Healing Journey, Healing Process, inner child, Letting Go, Neglect, Parents, Physical Attraction, Relationship, Self Awareness, Therapy, Toxic Parent, Unconditional Love

Learning To Embrace The Wild

A series of thoughts throughout the morning led me on a trail of self-discovery that I needed to go on … More

childhood, control, Diarist, Diary, disapproval, fun, Healing Journey, Healing Process, jealousy, judgement, playfulness, recklessness, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, self neglect, wildness, Yes

Free Fall

I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday in TGIs, how sad it … More

Comfort Zone, control, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, open heart, Personal Potential, Relationship, Self Awareness, Trust, Universe, Yes

Magical Inspiration

Katie has been mad about the Harry Potter films for ages so today I booked to take her, Alice and … More

Career, Diarist, Diary, inspiration, Life Coach, Personal Growth, philosophical, Work

Balancing

I saw Pam, the counsellor again today. Pam wanted to continue what we’d started with Mum last time. She said … More

Anger, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, Parenting, self love, Therapy

Powerless

While dropping Annie at Tom’s today, Tom and I had a conversation about his ex girlfriend. He said he doesn’t … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, narcissism, Physical Abuse, Powerless, Trust, unheard, Worthless

Understanding

After putting off seeing Mum and being two weeks late for Mother’s Day, I finally went round there today. I … More

Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, Personal Growth, Understanding

Butterflies

I’ve had a headache ever since I wrote Purging. I’ve had anxiety butterflies, I constantly feel sick, my skin feels … More

anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Dream Interpretation, nervous energy

Purging

Mum always used to cook a roast dinner on a Sunday. Every week she would passively-aggressively slam cupboards, pans, plates … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Covert Narcissism, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Neglect, Responsibility, Sexual Assault, Shame

Scraping the Surface

I saw my counsellor for the second time today. She asked how my week had been and if I knew … More

Anger, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Comfort Eating, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Shutdown, emptiness, Grief, Healing Journey, Healing Process, inner child, sadness, Therapy, Toxic Parent

Letting Go Again

Alice asked to talk with me today. She mentioned how hard it is seeing her boyfriend Jack as they don’t … More

Boundaries, Childhood Conditioning, Diarist, Diary, Letting Go, Parenting, Personal Growth

Against The Wall

I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There’s a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight. … More

anxiety, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Comfort Zone, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Fear, judgement, Love, masturbation, orgasm, personal responsibility, Relationship Anxiety, Sex, Stress, Transitioning

Judgement Healing

This morning I woke feeling much better than I have for the last few weeks. I felt positive, balanced and … More

anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Communication, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Healing Process, Hypothyroidism, inner child, judgement, loving parent, music, Self Awareness, Sing

Bittersweet

My Dad rang this morning, he said he wanted to see how I was as I’d been on his mind … More

Acceptance, anxiety, diairst, Diary, Healing Process, Mirroring, Personal Growth, Reflection, Self Awareness, Stress, Toxic Parent, unheard, Universe

The First Stage of Grief

I paid for a course on relationship anxiety yesterday and started watching the first video today. Only four minutes into … More

Alone, Diarist, Diary, Grief, Healing Process, Letting Go, Loneliness, Projection, Relationship Anxiety, Self Awareness, Trusting Life, Universe

Rescue Me

I’ve had a really introspective day today. I was really tired and could feel my mood dropping lower and lower … More

Diarist, Diary, Emotional Rescue, Rescuer, Responsibility, Self Awareness, Trust

Flawed

Since letting go of Tom, I’ve been taking a long hard look at myself and seeing that I am actually … More

Diarist, Diary, emptiness, Fear, Healing Process, Letting Go, Mirroring, Self Awareness, single, single life

The End Of The World

Last night I dreamt . . . I am stood alone, but aware of people somewhere around me, in the … More

Diarist, Diary, Dream Interpretation, Letting Go, Personal Growth

The Day I Acted On My Intuition

After dropping the kids to school this morning, I suddenly got the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have … More

Diarist, Diary, Emotional Connection, emptiness, Healing Process, Intuition, Letting Go, Personal Growth, Sex, Unconventional

Unconventional

I went into Karen’s this morning for a quick catch up. It was our normal chatting about nothing in particular … More

Change, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Fear, friend, Letting Go, Personal Growth, Unconventional

And Yet Still

Annie and I decided to take Jasper for a walk and then go on to Mum’s. When Tom rang to … More

Diarist, Diary, Healing Process

Surrendering

I went round to Tom’s once I’d dropped the kids at school as I needed him to change my tyre. … More

diairst, Diary, Healing Process, Love

An Unexpected Compliment

I went for breakfast with Karen and Sam today. While there we chatted about friends and their values. I said … More

Assertiveness, Change, Diarist, Diary, Friends, Morals, Personal Values, Self Awareness

Bruised

I haven’t had any contact with Phil for about a month now and I’ve barely thought about him in that … More

Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Trust, Trusting Life

Exploration

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and … More

Change, Diarist, Diary, Self Awareness

Learning To Say No

We went to Millie’s today, she’d invited us over to take Jasper so their new puppy, Rex could learn to … More

Assertiveness, Diarist, Diary, Personal Growth, Say No, Self Awareness

Paralysed By A Label

Growing up I soon learned my ‘label.’ My older sister, Millie was ‘The Clever One’ and I was ‘The Pretty … More

Childhood Conditioning, childhood labels, Diarist, Diary, labels, Self Awareness

Wheel of Choice

One of my fondest memories of my childhood is from when I was about 6 or 7.  I was in … More

Childhood Conditioning, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Self Awareness

Best Friend

On the first day of 2014, I wrote, as one of my answers in a family questionnaire, that Phil was … More

Best Friend, Diarist, Diary, friend, Healing Process, Self Esteem

Slipping Away

This evening Tom came over to bring Annie back from his. Annie left the room and Tom suddenly blurted out … More

abandonment, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Healing Process, Self Awareness

Self Contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There … More

Diarist, Diary, friend, independence, Mirroring, Reflection, Sangfroid, Self Awareness, Self Contained, Self Discovery, Selfishness, Solitude, Stoicism

A Long-Awaited Apology

This morning, I laid in bed in that in-between state of not asleep but not quite awake either and I … More

apology, Diarist, Diary, empathy, Healing Process, Self Awareness

Open Doors

It was Uncle Kevin’s funeral today. I didn’t want to go. All week I’ve been dreading it, I just cannot … More

Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, funeral, Grief, judgement, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love

Centred in The Self

Phil texted me tonight, wanting to talk. He told me he’d done a mediation and he’d realised that the last … More

apology, Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Finding My Truth, needs, Relationship, Self Awareness, Selfishness

Drained

I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it but because of Tom. The … More

control, Diarist, Diary, narcissism

The Right Choice

Phil rang up tonight to talk about giving me a birthday present. I asked him not to give me anything but … More

Blame, Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Responsibility

Acknowledging & Letting Go

When Tom came over to see the kids tonight we got talking, just the two of us. We were talking … More

apology, Closure, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Personal Growth

A Harsh Reminder

This afternoon I received some very sad news. My uncle Kevin died today, he was 67 years old. It’s heartbreaking … More

Diarist, Diary, Grief, Love, Personal Growth, Unconditional Love

Crave

I feel really tearful today. I’m sat in bed feeling very tired, agitated and completely unable to relax. Since Phil … More

Diarist, Diary, Unconditional Love

Weakening

Phil emailed me for the first time since he ended things. I can’t help thinking he did it because he … More

Diarist, Diary, Self Awareness

Letting In

It turns out that letting go, when you make up your mind to do it and then just get on … More

Diarist, Diary, Letting Go, Letting In, Personal Growth

The Trouble With Letting Go

I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years I have held on to bags … More

Diarist, Diary, Letting Go, Personal Growth

Leech

This morning I’ve been in a great mood. I’ve felt light, happy, energetic and positive and then my Dad turned … More

Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Toxic Parent, Trust

A Reminder

I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night … More

Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Personal Growth

I’m Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful … More

apology, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Relationship, Responsibility, Self Awareness

The Hug

On Friday night I dropped and broke my phone, it had been messing around anyway so not a massive loss … More

Acceptance, Diarist, Diary, heartbreak, Love, Unconditional Love

It’s Over

Phil sent me an email tonight, “We need to talk. I am not prepared to have a relationship with an … More

breakup, Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Self Awareness

Accepting & Embracing

I spent this evening scanning in all the photos and mementoes from some of the boxes Mum lent me of … More

Acceptance, Childhood Conditioning, Diarist, Diary, Physical Attraction, Relationship, Self Awareness

The Other Half

Yesterday continued to be a complete washout. After writing, I fell asleep for an hour then went off to get … More

Diarist, Diary, Personal Growth, Self Awareness

Free Time Failure

It’s been weeks and weeks since I last had a Saturday night/Sunday to myself. Last weekend Annie and the girls … More

Diarist, Diary, emptiness, Me Time, Self Awareness

The Half Life

If ever I needed an answer to my many questions it was now. If ever there was such a thing … More

Diarist, Diary, Physical Attraction

The Ripple Effect

I heard about a crash that occurred this morning about fifteen miles from me. A man had driven into two … More

Change, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Parenting, Self Awareness

Fright Night

It’s Halloween, the scariest day of the year! To mark the occasion I started the day off facing some of … More

Diarist, Diary, Fear, Halloween, Relationship, Relationship Anxiety

I Love Him Not

I spent the day organising a load of clutter to put on eBay. I’m hoping to start building up enough … More

Diarist, Diary, Relationship

The Continuation of Conflicted Feelings

My feelings for Phil have changed, yet again. How many times does this have to happen before I act on … More

Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Sex

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