I had another counselling session today but I really didn’t want to go. All morning I kept thinking of excuses … More
Tag: narcissism
A Lesson In Trust
I have a bit of thing for spreadsheets and organising things so today, I decided to put my blog post … More
Vampires
On Sunday, my nephew, James, came round and out of the blue started talking about his mum, Millie, how much … More
The Attraction of Physical Contact
My weekend to myself seems such a long time ago and yet it was only 24 hours ago that I … More
Boring People Like You
I was talking to Gary last night and I asked him if he’d join me on my weekend away even … More
Golden Child Anger
I emailed a couple of counsellors today to talk about all the crap with Dad and Gary but I also … More
A Long Time Coming
After speaking with the older kids last night, debating my options and coming to a decision, I wrote an email … More
Escapism
Last night I had a dream that woke me up like no dream has in a long time. It made … More
A Life Sentence
Seven or eight chances weren’t enough so I decided to give Gary another one. He said something to me last … More
Reverting Back To Type
Last night, Gary sent me a message asking if I’d missed him as we haven’t seen each other since Sunday. … More
Accepting The Wrong Man
I found myself reading an article today about always attracting the ‘wrong’ man. I based this on the fact that … More
No Fete, No Fate
I invited Gary and his children to join me and my children at the local village fete today which he … More
One Way Street
I was supposed to see Gary this afternoon but ended up working till 5pm even though he said he’d only … More
A Wasted Decade
I spent all day thinking about all the stuff with Gary and decided that I will stay with him. If … More
I Don’t Want To Insult Pigs, But . . .
Gary and I went out for dinner last night. It was the first time in two months that we’ve done … More
A Shoulder To Cry On
Gary rang up this morning and apologised for what he said last night. I let rip at him and didn’t … More
History Repeating Itself
I took Annie to soft play today to meet up with her old school friends for a couple of hours. … More
The Similarities Of The Past & The Present
I cannot see how this thing between Gary and I is going to work out. The more I get to … More
A Red Flag
I’m starting to have alarm bells over Gary and while I know that my thinking can be, and often is, … More
A Return of the Old Feelings
I was unable to sleep last night. It took me ages to drop off and then I woke constantly throughout … More
Disrespected
One day last week, I went round to Tom’s to drop Annie off, as he walked past me he poked … More
An Unexpected Storm
I’ve been trying to work through the list that I wrote in April when I purged through a ton of … More
Me Me Me
I’ve just had a conversation with Karen which was all about a challenging situation she’s going through at the moment. … More
Powerless
While dropping Annie at Tom’s today, Tom and I had a conversation about his ex girlfriend. He said he doesn’t … More
Purging
Mum always used to cook a roast dinner on a Sunday. Every week she would passively-aggressively slam cupboards, pans, plates … More
Drained
I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it but because of Tom. The … More
Leech
This morning I’ve been in a great mood. I’ve felt light, happy, energetic and positive and then my Dad turned … More
A Reminder
I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night … More
Invalidated
We decided to spend the bank holiday having a barbecue. As we knew Tom would be at a loose end … More
Taking Control
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that … More
Fabrication of The Truth
I feel so angry today. Yesterday, my Dad, who has an interest in photography, created a new blog to show … More
Pondering The Future
I’m going to be forty in ten months and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days. … More
Deep
When you have a counselling session that goes quite deep it can leave you feeling a little bit like you’re … More
Silver Platter
I spoke to Dad today to ask him how things were coming on with the house move and if he … More
My Biggest Fear
I woke in the night in a mad panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified I retreated under my quilt to try … More
A Slow Death
I wish Tom would take the knife that he’s been twisting, year after year after year, and just plunge it … More
Intuition
Two days ago I had an overwhelming urge to speak to Craig again. We haven’t spoken properly since November other … More
Worming
Tom has been being really helpful lately and I can’t help thinking that it’s because he’s trying to worm his … More
Ghost
I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. … More
Truth Built On Lies
Tom sent me another email today. . .“I have wondered how I would feel when you finally start to see … More
Welcome Home
Annie came home last night. I can’t begin to describe the relief I felt when she walked through the door. … More
Powerless Once More
Tomorrow, Annie goes away for seven days with Tom. It will be the first time she’s been away from me … More
A Christmas Gift
What better day than Christmas day to have a massive realisation that you really feel deep within, one that resonates … More
Russian Dolls
At my counselling session today Sam gave me a set of Russian Dolls and asked me to take them home … More
Nothing Changes
It’s my 38th birthday today, in the afternoon Tom rang, he’s been visiting his family for the last few days. … More
Rock Bottom
What do you do and where do you go when you just about reach rock bottom? It’s been creeping up … More
Men
Such a lot has happened over the last couple of days. Tom was distraught about the rabbits dying and admitted … More
In My Head
It was my nephew’s 18th birthday today. He just wanted close family to join him for a meal so we … More
Eat, Eat, Eat
For the second time, I am reading Eat Pray Love. The first time I read the book it touched me. … More
Family Loyalty
While Tom was around collecting Annie, his phone rang. His happy tone of voice as he spoke piqued my interest. … More
Weak
I took the kids to a theme park today. Tom joined us. I didn’t want him to and the older … More
Ugly
My weekend in Ireland was a mixed bag of laughter and insecurity. It was great to spend a weekend with … More
Attachments
It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying … More
Confusion
Tom and I have been thinking about trying to make another go of it but I don’t think it will … More
Weight of The World
When I left Tom I had no choice but to apply for financial assistance in the form of some benefits. … More
Letter To James
A few weeks ago when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch … More
This is Life
While carrying Annie’s toys up the stairs today, I tripped. I managed to regain my balance and then I tripped … More
Empty Heart
I’ve tried, I’ve really tried, but I cannot take Tom back into my heart. There’s barely enough room for me … More
Protection
Tom asked to have Annie round at his for a few hours this afternoon. I didn’t want her to go. … More
Lost
It’s dark, raining, windy and gloomy. The weather is matching my current mood perfectly. I drove to the beach today, … More
In Despair
Annie went to Tom’s for a few hours today. When I picked her up and asked if she’d had a … More
Shattered
My heart feels as though it’s about to shatter with the pain of losing Jeanie. I turned to Tom during … More
Choosing Death
I received the devastating news tonight that my very dear friend, Jeanie, has attempted to take her life. She is … More
A Fucked Up Christmas
It was our first Christmas in our new home yesterday. Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas … More
Real Life Returns
Tom told me that he’s thinking of killing himself and has even worked out how he’ll do it. He says he’s … More
Naked Truth
Meeting Craig has been so good for me. We talk all the time and I really feel that for the … More
Dating
I joined a dating site last week. I know it’s been less than three months since Tom and I split up … More
Two Months On
It’s been two months since we left our old life and moved into our new home. It was absolutely the … More
The Children Suffer Too
For the last year of living with Tom, Katie would come home from school, go straight to her bedroom and … More
A Safe Place
Most probably it’s the two glasses of wine I’ve had, combined with our new kitten moving in but tonight I … More
Scared
It’s quite a journey that I went on to realise how scared I am. It started by looking at some self-portraits … More
Learning To Walk Again
I built a bookcase today. I was tempted to ring him, ask him to do it and then I thought, … More
Choices
He came over today, as usual. At lunchtime, he asked if I had ham and chips. He said maybe he’d … More
Confidence
I received an email in response to one I’d sent to a client who’s going to be a volunteer for a … More
Powerless
I don’t miss him. I had a blip. Today he came over, he ate lunch in my house, he sat … More
Exposed
It’s been twenty-five days since I left him and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back … More
Happy Housewarming
I had five of my friends come over tonight to celebrate my new beginning with me. It’s the first time … More
When?
When will it come back? That elusive part of the self that goes missing when you go through really tough … More
Cruel Love
Silence’s alarm clock woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past. The past that, just yesterday, … More
The Bittersweet Taste of Goodbye
I’m lying on the floor of an unfamiliar bedroom in a strange house. Despite the absence of the discarded plastic … More
The Key
I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to a new house, a house that just me and … More
An End In Sight
In six days, I get the keys to my new house. I wish I could say I’m excited but I … More
Heartbroken
In fifteen days I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The kids and I are going … More
Expecting Life
I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly … More
The Slow Process of Leaving
I’m feeling shit today, I think telling the kids has made it all the more real. It seems to be … More
New Home
I am looking at a house this week that may be ideal for us, I have a few reservations about … More
In Denial
Tom seems to be in complete denial that our relationship is coming to an end which doesn’t make a great … More
Almost Over
I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps … More
Where Do We Go From Here?
I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the … More
Worst Mum
Tom made dinner for everyone tonight which would be great if only he hadn’t cooked something that only he liked. … More
A Future of Choice
I had a dream last night but I can only remember a small part of it. In the dream, I … More
The 1000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle
I had another dream last night. My dreams lately are really interesting and are telling me a great deal. I … More
Oppression
I had a dream last night that really disturbed me. As the day has gone on, the feelings have become … More
Breaking Point
We were supposed to be clearing all the crap out of the garden today ready for it to be gutted … More
Discoveries
Discoveries are not always good things, but always something to learn from. My discovery today is that I never put … More
Delving Into Money
The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve … More
Stronger
I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist but I do know that I am … More
Desperate Measures
I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family and yet I’ve never felt … More
Dismissed
My psychotherapist, James, says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do but when did it start? I know that Tom … More
