Skip to content

Becoming

Awareness – Intuition – Healing – Personal Growth – Becoming

  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact Me

Tag: narcissism

Counselling Tears & Truths

I had another counselling session today but I really didn’t want to go. All morning I kept thinking of excuses … More

Abuse, Alone, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Fear, healthy man, Loneliness, narcissism, Psychotherapy, Relationship, Therapy, toxic relationship

A Lesson In Trust

I have a bit of thing for spreadsheets and organising things so today, I decided to put my blog post … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, narcissism, Trust, Trust Myself, Verbal Abuse

Vampires

On Sunday, my nephew, James, came round and out of the blue started talking about his mum, Millie, how much … More

Abuse, Covert Narcissism, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Vampire, Family, narcissism, oversensitive, Overt Narcissism, Self Belief, Self Doubt, Self Esteem, self worth, Toxic Parent, toxic relationship, Trust, Truth, Worthless

The Attraction of Physical Contact

My weekend to myself seems such a long time ago and yet it was only 24 hours ago that I … More

Abuse, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, EMDR, Emotional Needs, manipulation, narcissism, needs, physical touch, Psychotherapy, Sex, Therapy, toxic relationship

Boring People Like You

I was talking to Gary last night and I asked him if he’d join me on my weekend away even … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Me Time, narcissism, Relationship, toxic relationship, Verbal Abuse

Golden Child Anger

I emailed a couple of counsellors today to talk about all the crap with Dad and Gary but I also … More

Anger, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Golden Child, narcissism, Psychotherapy, Relationship, Stress, Therapy, Toxic Parent, toxic relationship

A Long Time Coming

After speaking with the older kids last night, debating my options and coming to a decision, I wrote an email … More

Anger, Diarist, Diary, Golden Child, narcissism, Toxic Parent

Escapism

Last night I had a dream that woke me up like no dream has in a long time. It made … More

Compatability, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Escapism, Intuition, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness

A Life Sentence

Seven or eight chances weren’t enough so I decided to give Gary another one. He said something to me last … More

Abuse, Highly Sensitive Person, narcissism, Nature or Nurture, Relationship, Self Acceptance, Self Awareness, toxic relationship, Verbal Abuse

Reverting Back To Type

Last night, Gary sent me a message asking if I’d missed him as we haven’t seen each other since Sunday. … More

Abuse, Boundaries, Compatability, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, narcissism, Personal Growth, personal responsibility, Relationship, Responsibility, Self Awareness, toxic relationship, Verbal Abuse

Accepting The Wrong Man

I found myself reading an article today about always attracting the ‘wrong’ man. I based this on the fact that … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Relationship, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love

No Fete, No Fate

I invited Gary and his children to join me and my children at the local village fete today which he … More

Abuse, Alone, Diarist, Diary, Loneliness, narcissism, Relationship, Self Awareness, Verbal Abuse

One Way Street

I was supposed to see Gary this afternoon but ended up working till 5pm even though he said he’d only … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Parenting, Relationship, Single Parent

A Wasted Decade

I spent all day thinking about all the stuff with Gary and decided that I will stay with him. If … More

Abuse, Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Rejection, Relationship, Self Awareness, Self Respect, Sex

I Don’t Want To Insult Pigs, But . . .

Gary and I went out for dinner last night. It was the first time in two months that we’ve done … More

Abuse, Alcoholic, criticism, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Physical Abuse, Rape, Sex, toxic relationship, Verbal Abuse

A Shoulder To Cry On

Gary rang up this morning and apologised for what he said last night. I let rip at him and didn’t … More

apology, Diarist, Diary, friend, Grief, narcissism, Relationship

History Repeating Itself

I took Annie to soft play today to meet up with her old school friends for a couple of hours. … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Friends, narcissism, oversensitive, Relationship, Selfishness, toxic relationship

The Similarities Of The Past & The Present

I cannot see how this thing between Gary and I is going to work out. The more I get to … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Fantasy Woman, narcissism, Relationship, Sex, Sexual Demands

A Red Flag

I’m starting to have alarm bells over Gary and while I know that my thinking can be, and often is, … More

Abuse, alarm bells, control, Dating, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, red flags, Sex

A Return of the Old Feelings

I was unable to sleep last night. It took me ages to drop off and then I woke constantly throughout … More

Abuse, anxiety, control, Diarist, Diary, domestic abuse, Fear, narcissism, PTSD, Relationship Anxiety

Disrespected

One day last week, I went round to Tom’s to drop Annie off, as he walked past me he poked … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Sexual Assault

An Unexpected Storm

I’ve been trying to work through the list that I wrote in April when I purged through a ton of … More

Anger, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, narcissism, Toxic Parent

Me Me Me

I’ve just had a conversation with Karen which was all about a challenging situation she’s going through at the moment. … More

Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Selfishness

Powerless

While dropping Annie at Tom’s today, Tom and I had a conversation about his ex girlfriend. He said he doesn’t … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, narcissism, Physical Abuse, Powerless, Trust, unheard, Worthless

Purging

Mum always used to cook a roast dinner on a Sunday. Every week she would passively-aggressively slam cupboards, pans, plates … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Covert Narcissism, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Neglect, Responsibility, Sexual Assault, Shame

Drained

I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it but because of Tom. The … More

control, Diarist, Diary, narcissism

Leech

This morning I’ve been in a great mood. I’ve felt light, happy, energetic and positive and then my Dad turned … More

Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Toxic Parent, Trust

A Reminder

I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night … More

Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Personal Growth

Invalidated

We decided to spend the bank holiday having a barbecue. As we knew Tom would be at a loose end … More

Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Confidence, Diarist, Diary, Golden Child, Invalidation, narcissism, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love, Worthless

Taking Control

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Connection, Friends with benefits, fuck buddy, narcissism, Parenting, Self Awareness, Sex

Fabrication of The Truth

I feel so angry today. Yesterday, my Dad, who has an interest in photography, created a new blog to show … More

Diarist, Diary, Lies, narcissism, toxic relationship

Pondering The Future

I’m going to be forty in ten months and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days. … More

40th, Abuse, Love, Midlife, narcissism, Relationship, Relationship Anxiety, Relationship History, Sex, Unconditional Love

Deep

When you have a counselling session that goes quite deep it can leave you feeling a little bit like you’re … More

Childhood Trauma, Choice, Coping Mechanism, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Neglect, Emotional Trigger, Gaslighting, Healing Process, inner child, narcissism, Physical Abuse, Relationship, Self Awareness, Self Harm, Self Protection, Stress, Therapy, trauma, unheard, Unlovable, Verbal Abuse, Writing

Silver Platter

I spoke to Dad today to ask him how things were coming on with the house move and if he … More

Golden Child, House Move, narcissism

My Biggest Fear

I woke in the night in a mad panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified I retreated under my quilt to try … More

Abuse, anxiety, Dream, Dream Interpretation, Fear, Gaslighting, Healing Process, narcissism, Relationship Anxiety, Self Awareness

A Slow Death

I wish Tom would take the knife that he’s been twisting, year after year after year, and just plunge it … More

Abuse, anxiety, control, domestic abuse, Emotional Abuse, Fear, manipulation, mental abuse, narcissism, Stress

Intuition

Two days ago I had an overwhelming urge to speak to Craig again. We haven’t spoken properly since November other … More

Abuse, Anger, Boundaries, control, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Gaslighting, Healing Process, Intuition, Mirroring, narcissism, Personal Growth, Reflection, respect, Verbal Abuse

Worming

Tom has been being really helpful lately and I can’t help thinking that it’s because he’s trying to worm his … More

Abuse, Choice, control, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, manipulation, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship

Ghost

I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. … More

Abuse, Alone, anxiety, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Trigger, Healing Process, Health, Isolated, Loneliness, Mental Health, narcissism, Overwhelmed, panic attack, Parenting, Processing, Rejection, Relationship, Relationship Ghost, Scoliosis, Single Parent, Stress, Worthless

Truth Built On Lies

Tom sent me another email today. . .“I have wondered how I would feel when you finally start to see … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Healing Process, letter, manipulation, narcissism, Personal Growth

Welcome Home

Annie came home last night. I can’t begin to describe the relief I felt when she walked through the door. … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Gaslighting, Healing Process, narcissism, oversensitive, Parenting, Self Doubt, Stress, Trust

Powerless Once More

Tomorrow, Annie goes away for seven days with Tom. It will be the first time she’s been away from me … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Gaslighting, narcissism, Parenting, power, Powerless, Single Parent, Trust

A Christmas Gift

What better day than Christmas day to have a massive realisation that you really feel deep within, one that resonates … More

Abuse, Change, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Therapy, Verbal Abuse

Russian Dolls

At my counselling session today Sam gave me a set of Russian Dolls and asked me to take them home … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Family, Gaslighting, Healing Process, narcissism, Parents, Personal Growth, Therapy

Nothing Changes

It’s my 38th birthday today, in the afternoon Tom rang, he’s been visiting his family for the last few days. … More

Abuse, Birthday, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, narcissism, Verbal Abuse

Rock Bottom

What do you do and where do you go when you just about reach rock bottom? It’s been creeping up … More

Abuse, Alone, Anger, Depression, Family, Healing Process, Hurt, Loneliness, Mental Health, narcissism, Personal Growth, Processing

Men

Such a lot has happened over the last couple of days. Tom was distraught about the rabbits dying and admitted … More

Abuse, Choice, Dating, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Processing

In My Head

It was my nephew’s 18th birthday today. He just wanted close family to join him for a meal so we … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, Family, Gaslighting, Healing Process, narcissism, Self Doubt

Eat, Eat, Eat

For the second time, I am reading Eat Pray Love. The first time I read the book it touched me. … More

Abuse, Change, Comfort Eating, control, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Healing Process, Health, narcissism, Personal Growth, Processing, Weight gain

Family Loyalty

While Tom was around collecting Annie, his phone rang. His happy tone of voice as he spoke piqued my interest. … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Family, Gaslighting, narcissism, Unsupported

Weak

I took the kids to a theme park today. Tom joined us. I didn’t want him to and the older … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, domestic abuse, Fear, Gaslighting, narcissism, Verbal Abuse

Ugly

My weekend in Ireland was a mixed bag of laughter and insecurity. It was great to spend a weekend with … More

Confidence, Diarist, Diary, Friends, Gaslighting, Healing Process, insecurities, intimidated, narcissism, Rejection, Self Esteem

Attachments

It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying … More

Abuse, Attachments, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Connection, Gaslighting, Healing Process, Hope, intimacy, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Processing, Rejection, Self Awareness, Sex, Single Parent, Verbal Abuse

Confusion

Tom and I have been thinking about trying to make another go of it but I don’t think it will … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, narcissism, Verbal Abuse

Weight of The World

When I left Tom I had no choice but to apply for financial assistance in the form of some benefits. … More

Abuse, anxiety, Boundaries, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, control, Diarist, Diary, Family, Fear, Healing Process, Money, narcissism, Parenting, Parents, Personal Growth, Responsibility, Self Awareness, Single Parent, Stress, Trauma Bonding

Letter To James

A few weeks ago when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch … More

Abuse, Blame, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Processing, Responsibility, Self Awareness, Therapy, Trust, Writing

This is Life

While carrying Annie’s toys up the stairs today, I tripped. I managed to regain my balance and then I tripped … More

Abuse, control, Depression, Diarist, Diary, Grief, Healing Process, Mental Health, narcissism, Personal Growth

Empty Heart

I’ve tried, I’ve really tried, but I cannot take Tom back into my heart. There’s barely enough room for me … More

Abuse, Depression, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Grief, manipulation, narcissism, Parenting, Single Parent

Protection

Tom asked to have Annie round at his for a few hours this afternoon. I didn’t want her to go. … More

Abuse, anxiety, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, narcissism, Parenting

Lost

It’s dark, raining, windy and gloomy. The weather is matching my current mood perfectly. I drove to the beach today, … More

Abuse, control, Depression, Diarist, Diary, Grief, narcissism

In Despair

Annie went to Tom’s for a few hours today. When I picked her up and asked if she’d had a … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, domestic abuse, Gaslighting, manipulation, Mental Health, narcissism

Shattered

My heart feels as though it’s about to shatter with the pain of losing Jeanie. I turned to Tom during … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, domestic abuse, Friends, Grief, narcissism

Choosing Death

I received the devastating news tonight that my very dear friend, Jeanie, has attempted to take her life. She is … More

Abuse, Diarist, domestic abuse, Friends, Mental Health, narcissism, Responsibility, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide

A Fucked Up Christmas

It was our first Christmas in our new home yesterday. Tom came to stay on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas … More

Abuse, Christmas, control, Diarist, Diary, domestic abuse, manipulation, narcissism

Real Life Returns

Tom told me that he’s thinking of killing himself and has even worked out how he’ll do it. He says he’s … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, Fear, manipulation, Mental Health, narcissism, Responsibility, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide

Naked Truth

Meeting Craig has been so good for me. We talk all the time and I really feel that for the … More

Abuse, Confidence, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Friends, Healing Process, integrity, narcissism, Personal Growth, Photography, Rejection, Sex

Dating

I joined a dating site last week. I know it’s been less than three months since Tom and I split up … More

Abuse, Acceptance, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, integrity, narcissism, Personal Growth

Two Months On

It’s been two months since we left our old life and moved into our new home. It was absolutely the … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth

The Children Suffer Too

For the last year of living with Tom, Katie would come home from school, go straight to her bedroom and … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Verbal Abuse

A Safe Place

Most probably it’s the two glasses of wine I’ve had, combined with our new kitten moving in but tonight I … More

Abuse, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth

Scared

It’s quite a journey that I went on to realise how scared I am. It started by looking at some self-portraits … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Self Discovery

Learning To Walk Again

I built a bookcase today. I was tempted to ring him, ask him to do it and then I thought, … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, Self Esteem

Choices

He came over today, as usual. At lunchtime, he asked if I had ham and chips. He said maybe he’d … More

Abuse, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Identity, narcissism, Personal Growth

Confidence

I received an email in response to one I’d sent to a client who’s going to be a volunteer for a … More

Abuse, Confidence, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Photography, Work

Powerless

I don’t miss him. I had a blip. Today he came over, he ate lunch in my house, he sat … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Powerless, Verbal Abuse

Exposed

It’s been twenty-five days since I left him and tried to get on with my life, clawing my way back … More

Abuse, Alone, Blame, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Guilt, Healing Process, Loneliness, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Responsibility, vulnerable

Happy Housewarming

I had five of my friends come over tonight to celebrate my new beginning with me. It’s the first time … More

Abuse, Confidence, Diarist, Friends, Healing Process, narcissism, New Beginning, Personal Growth, support

When?

When will it come back? That elusive part of the self that goes missing when you go through really tough … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Healing Process, Identity, narcissism, Personal Growth, Stress

Cruel Love

Silence’s alarm clock woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past. The past that, just yesterday, … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

The Bittersweet Taste of Goodbye

I’m lying on the floor of an unfamiliar bedroom in a strange house. Despite the absence of the discarded plastic … More

Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, New Beginning, Personal Growth, Relationship

The Key

I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to a new house, a house that just me and … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, Healing Process, integrity, Love, narcissism, New Beginning, Personal Growth, Relationship

An End In Sight

In six days, I get the keys to my new house. I wish I could say I’m excited but I … More

Abuse, Change, Diarist, Diary, Family, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationship, Unsupported

Heartbroken

In fifteen days I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The kids and I are going … More

Abuse, Change, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Grief, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Rejection, Relationship

Expecting Life

I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly … More

Abuse, Change, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Empowerment, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Discovery

The Slow Process of Leaving

I’m feeling shit today, I think telling the kids has made it all the more real. It seems to be … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship

New Home

I am looking at a house this week that may be ideal for us, I have a few reservations about … More

Abuse, Change, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationship

In Denial

Tom seems to be in complete denial that our relationship is coming to an end which doesn’t make a great … More

Abuse, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Family, Healing Process, In Denial, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship

Almost Over

I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps … More

Abuse, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Therapy

Where Do We Go From Here?

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the … More

Abuse, Acceptance, Change, Choir, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Identity, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Sing

Worst Mum

Tom made dinner for everyone tonight which would be great if only he hadn’t cooked something that only he liked. … More

Abuse, Bad Parent, control, Diarist, Diary, Fear, narcissism, Narcissistic Rage, Parenting, Verbal Abuse

A Future of Choice

I had a dream last night but I can only remember a small part of it. In the dream, I … More

Abuse, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Dream Interpretation, Healing Process, Identity, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Discovery

The 1000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle

I had another dream last night. My dreams lately are really interesting and are telling me a great deal. I … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Comfort Eating, Depression, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Family, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Parents, Personal Growth, Rejection, Relationship

Oppression

I had a dream last night that really disturbed me. As the day has gone on, the feelings have become … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Dream Interpretation, Family, Healing Process, narcissism, oppression, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship

Breaking Point

We were supposed to be clearing all the crap out of the garden today ready for it to be gutted … More

Abuse, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, narcissism, Narcissistic Rage, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Respect, Selfishness, Therapy, Verbal Abuse

Discoveries

Discoveries are not always good things, but always something to learn from. My discovery today is that I never put … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Healing Process, integrity, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship

Delving Into Money

The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve … More

Abuse, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Family, Financial Abuse, Healing Process, Money, narcissism, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship, Therapy

Stronger

I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist but I do know that I am … More

Abuse, Change, Childhood Conditioning, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, inner strength, narcissism, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship, Therapy

Desperate Measures

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family and yet I’ve never felt … More

Abuse, Acceptance, Alone, Depression, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Mental Health, narcissism, Rejection, Relationship, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, Worthless

Dismissed

My psychotherapist, James, says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do but when did it start? I know that Tom … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Loneliness, narcissism, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, Therapy

Posts navigation

Older posts

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 324 other followers

Follow Becoming on WordPress.com

Follow Me

  • Twitter

Archives

Top Posts

Happily Ever After
A Square Peg

Search

Translate

Blog Stats

  • 8,113 hits
Blog at WordPress.com.
Cancel