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Awareness – Intuition – Healing – Personal Growth – Becoming

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Tag: Relationship

A Stressful Month

The last few weeks have been a very stressful time. So much change has happened, inwardly and outwardly, and I … More

anxiety, Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, House Move, immature, Parenting, Physical Attraction, Relationship, respect, Sex, Single Parent, Stress, Suffocated, unattractive, unheard

Unlovable

I tried to end things with Phil today and then I discovered that he is the most wonderful man to walk this … More

Healing Process, Mirroring, Reflection, Relationship, Self Esteem, self worth, Selfishness, Unconditional Love, Unlovable, vulnerable

The Day I Realised My Vocation

I recently read The Five Love Languages, within three chapters I finally understood my relationship history, what made some relationships … More

Counselling, Emotional Needs, future, Healing Process, Love, Personal Growth, Processing, Psychotherapy, Quality Time, Relationship, Relationship History, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, Therapy, Touch, Understanding

Me Time

In a few weeks time, Annie’s going to be going away with Tom which coincides with Alice and Katie going … More

Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Guilt, Healing Process, Me Time, Relationship

My Needs

I went back to see Sam, my counsellor, today. I haven’t felt a need to see her since February but … More

Attraction, Counselling, Emotional Needs, Healing Process, needs, personal needs, Physical Attraction, Psychotherapy, Relationship, Relationship History, Sex, Stress, Therapy

Shame

Phil’s sister and her family came over tonight to see us. It was his sister’s birthday and Phil had brought … More

Food, Issues, Obesity, Overeating, Relationship, Shame, Weight

Fleeting Moments of Love

Phil and I came back today from a weekend away to celebrate his birthday. We stayed in a beautiful boutique … More

Conscious Love, Healing Process, Love, Relationship

Truth

I often notice how events in my life tie in together, even though they may appear to be very different … More

anxiety, Compromise, control, Death, Depression, disapproval, Fear, Finding My Truth, Friends, Relationship, respect, Self Awareness, Stress

Man Child

Phil came round to mine tonight and I saw a side of him that I really don’t like. He’s pulled … More

immature, Irresponsible, Relationship, self care, self love, Self Respect

His Kind of Love

I took a moment today to completely focus on Phil’s many positive attributes with no thoughts of the things that … More

Healing Process, Love, Personal Growth, Relationship

Rushing

On Monday, I mentioned to Phil that I might start looking around for a new house to move to. We’ve … More

Healing Process, House Move, Relationship

Suffocated

I’ve just got back from twenty-four hours at Phil’s and it’s become clear to me that the lack of physical … More

control, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Love, manipulation, Marriage Proposal, Parenting, Physical Attraction, Relationship, Single Parent, Suffocated

Worming

Tom has been being really helpful lately and I can’t help thinking that it’s because he’s trying to worm his … More

Abuse, Choice, control, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, manipulation, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship

Ghost

I’m really struggling to comprehend why this has happened now but for the last eight days, I’ve really been struggling. … More

Abuse, Alone, anxiety, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Trigger, Healing Process, Health, Isolated, Loneliness, Mental Health, narcissism, Overwhelmed, panic attack, Parenting, Processing, Rejection, Relationship, Relationship Ghost, Scoliosis, Single Parent, Stress, Worthless

Emotional Crutch

Phil and I went out for dinner last night and then back to his for some drinks. I stayed over, … More

Counselling, Diarist, Diary, emotional crutch, Healing Process, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love, value

He Knows

The last three days have been horrible. I told Tom about Phil, he had to know sooner or later. I … More

Diarist, Diary, Happiness, Healing Process, Personal Growth, Relationship, Stress

Stumbling Block

Yesterday evening was spent round at Phil’s being treated to dinner and drinks. It was nice but this morning, I … More

Acceptance, Alcohol, Diarist, Diary, Kindness, Love, Physical Attraction, Relationship, Rose Tinted Glasses, Shallow

Revelations

With all the older kids at their Dad’s house for the weekend and Annie away with Tom, Phil took me … More

Attraction, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Kindness, Love, Relationship, Romantic spark

Falling In Love

I don’t want a relationship. I’ve only been single for 19 months. Since I was 14 I’ve only been single … More

Boundaries, Choice, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Love, Personal Growth, Relationship, single life, single woman

An Act?

I’ve seen Phil a couple of times since our first meeting and I’m starting to feel really pressured. Every time … More

Dating, Fear, Love, Marriage Proposal, red flags, Relationship, Relationship Anxiety, Signs of abuse, Stress

Instinctively Confused

I just knew today was going to be a testing day. I slept really badly, a combination of my back … More

Childhood Conditioning, Counselling, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Intuition, Personal Growth, Relationship, Responsibility, Therapy, Trust

Union

I met up with Phil last night, totally spontaneously. I was at home and child free. It was 10pm, I … More

anxiety, Dating, Healing Process, Mental Health, Personal Growth, Relationship, Relationship Anxiety, Sex

The Truth Will Set You Free

I’ve told Phil about Tom. I’ve just spent the entire morning getting it all out an email so he knows … More

Blame, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Finding My Truth, Healing Process, intimacy, Personal Growth, Relationship, Responsibility, Trust

There Once Was An Ugly Duckling

While talking to my Mum on the phone this morning she said she’d realised something in the early hours of … More

Healing Process, Lesson, Personal Growth, Relationship

Cruel Love

Silence’s alarm clock woke me constantly throughout the night to remind me of the past. The past that, just yesterday, … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

The Bittersweet Taste of Goodbye

I’m lying on the floor of an unfamiliar bedroom in a strange house. Despite the absence of the discarded plastic … More

Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, New Beginning, Personal Growth, Relationship

The Key

I have signed the contract and picked up the keys to a new house, a house that just me and … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, Healing Process, integrity, Love, narcissism, New Beginning, Personal Growth, Relationship

An End In Sight

In six days, I get the keys to my new house. I wish I could say I’m excited but I … More

Abuse, Change, Diarist, Diary, Family, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationship, Unsupported

Heartbroken

In fifteen days I will leave this house and my life with Tom forever. The kids and I are going … More

Abuse, Change, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Grief, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Rejection, Relationship

Expecting Life

I feel as though I am pregnant with a new life that’s growing from within. It kicks and shifts constantly … More

Abuse, Change, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Empowerment, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Discovery

The Slow Process of Leaving

I’m feeling shit today, I think telling the kids has made it all the more real. It seems to be … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship

New Home

I am looking at a house this week that may be ideal for us, I have a few reservations about … More

Abuse, Change, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationship

In Denial

Tom seems to be in complete denial that our relationship is coming to an end which doesn’t make a great … More

Abuse, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Family, Healing Process, In Denial, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship

Almost Over

I’ve told Tom that it’s over and that I will be moving out as soon as I can. He keeps … More

Abuse, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Therapy

Where Do We Go From Here?

I’ve been trying to remember who I was before my world started falling apart. To claw back some of the … More

Abuse, Acceptance, Change, Choir, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Identity, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Sing

A Future of Choice

I had a dream last night but I can only remember a small part of it. In the dream, I … More

Abuse, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Dream Interpretation, Healing Process, Identity, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Discovery

The 1000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle

I had another dream last night. My dreams lately are really interesting and are telling me a great deal. I … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Comfort Eating, Depression, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Family, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Parents, Personal Growth, Rejection, Relationship

Oppression

I had a dream last night that really disturbed me. As the day has gone on, the feelings have become … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Dream Interpretation, Family, Healing Process, narcissism, oppression, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship

Breaking Point

We were supposed to be clearing all the crap out of the garden today ready for it to be gutted … More

Abuse, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, narcissism, Narcissistic Rage, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Respect, Selfishness, Therapy, Verbal Abuse

Discoveries

Discoveries are not always good things, but always something to learn from. My discovery today is that I never put … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Healing Process, integrity, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship

Delving Into Money

The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve … More

Abuse, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Family, Financial Abuse, Healing Process, Money, narcissism, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship, Therapy

Stronger

I’m not sure if it’s five or six weeks of seeing the psychotherapist but I do know that I am … More

Abuse, Change, Childhood Conditioning, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, inner strength, narcissism, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship, Therapy

Desperate Measures

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family and yet I’ve never felt … More

Abuse, Acceptance, Alone, Depression, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Mental Health, narcissism, Rejection, Relationship, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, Worthless

Dismissed

My psychotherapist, James, says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do but when did it start? I know that Tom … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Loneliness, narcissism, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, Therapy

Blame & Responsibility

My new photography business is going really well, I’m having lots of enquiries and doing a good amount of photo … More

Blame, Career, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Photography, Relationship, Responsibility, Work

Everyone’s A Mirror

I feel very tired today, I slept very badly last night. I had a conversation with Tom, I forget what … More

Counselling, Diarist, Diary, mindfulness, Personal Growth, Relationship, Therapy

Stress

I had to go to the doctors tonight for a checkup. I’ve been having chest pains all day and over … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Relationship, Stress

A Positive Sign

I’ve always believed that what we dream about at night can be a guide for our waking lives and last … More

Abuse, Blame, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Dream Interpretation, narcissism, Relationship, Responsibility

Snowball Fight

It snowed really heavily last night and was still snowing this morning when we awoke. The girls stayed off school, … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Physical Abuse, Relationship

A New Beginning

New beginnings come in all shapes and sizes. Today not only heralds the start of a new year but also … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Personal Growth, Relationship

Fears

I really can’t take any more of this and will be doing everything in my power to get out in … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship

Getting Physical

Tom and I rarely have sex but last night we did for the first time in a very very long … More

Abuse, Blame, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Physical Abuse, Relationship, Responsibility, Sex, Verbal Abuse

Reaquainting

There are many things that people might think are the worst things about the kind of relationship I’m in. Maybe … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Identity, Personal Growth, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Decisions

Tom came back home from visiting his family today. There’s still an awful atmosphere between us after my birthday but … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

The Gift of Clarity

I woke to the kids bringing me breakfast in bed and cries of Happy Birthday! Once downstairs, they gave me … More

Abuse, Acceptance, Alcoholic, Diarist, Diary, Personal Growth, Relationship, Verbal Abuse, Worthless

Worthless

Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own but I always saw it … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Selfishness, Worthless

Breathless

I had quite a bad asthma attack yesterday afternoon which is still giving me some breathing problems today yet despite … More

Abuse, Acceptance, Asthma, Diarist, Diary, Health, Personal Growth, Relationship

Into the Light

As I suspected, it didn’t last. I really tried to think positively today. To remind myself that I’ve been a … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Parenting, Photography, Relationship, Single Parent

Halloween Shocker

Tom has really thrown me yet again. He rarely joins in with anything the kids and I do, in fact, … More

Abuse, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Halloween, Personal Growth, Relationship

Disapproving Father

Tom pulled me up on the way I talk today, not for the first time. He said he disapproved of … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, disapproval, Relationship

No Way Out

Today has been really trying. I’m tired and stressed and I can’t see any way out. I have been looking … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Financial Abuse, Gaslighting, Money, Relationship, Stress

Naked Shame

Why won’t Tom ever have sex with me? Am I that ugly? Is my body really that disgusting to look … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Connection, Photography, Rejection, Relationship, Self Esteem, Sex

Fuck Off!

Tom and I had a disagreement a few days ago, it was over in minutes and as far as I … More

Abuse, Acceptance, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Money

Tom has put the house he lived in before we moved in here together, up for sale. He walked in, … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Financial Abuse, Money, Relationship

A Difficult Decision

After twenty-nine months, I’m attempting to stop breastfeeding. I kept it going for so long partly because I didn’t want … More

Abuse, Breastfeeding, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Parenting, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

The Men in my Life

I left the older girls’ dad, Greg, for many reasons but one of them being that he was so money … More

Abuse, Child Support, Diarist, Diary, Financial Abuse, Money, Parenting, Relationship

A Short-Lived Love

It was a really lovely day today so I suggested getting my mum to watch the kids and just Tom … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Sacred Words

We’re in the middle of decorating the living room at the moment. We have an ugly 1960s gas fire that … More

Abuse, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Hope, Love, Relationship

Debt

Tom told me today that he’s in debt and it’s all because of me. He said I pushed him into … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Financial Abuse, Gaslighting, Money, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Time For Me

The older children were all at their Dad’s today so it was just Tom, Annie and I at home. I … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Me Time, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

A Confusing Surprise

It’s been such a long time since Tom and I had a good day together, all we’ve done for months … More

Abuse, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Hope, Photography, Relationship

A Letter to Tom

Tom and I had a huge argument a few days ago, it ended with him telling me to think about … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Financial Abuse, Gaslighting, Money, Parenting, Relationship

Food Issues

We went out for lunch today with the kids. If ever we go out, we almost always go to the … More

Abuse, control, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Mischievous

An old friend from school emailed me tonight for a catch-up. During the messages that went back and forth, she … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Relationship

Missing

Alice had an end of school leaving party tonight. Once she was all dressed up ready to leave, I took … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Relationship

Nail Biting Reaction

Tom went mental at me today for biting my nails. I’ve always bitten my nails, it’s not like it’s something … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Passed By

Recently, I’ve been feeling that life has passed me by and it’s really starting to get me down. In the … More

Abuse, Confidence, Diarist, Diary, Relationship

Knowledge is Power

One day last week, Tom woke up in a bit of a mood. The best way for me to deal … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, empowerment, Gaslighting, Relationship, Responsibility, Selfishness, Verbal Abuse

Creating Space

Tom went away four days ago to see his family so while he was away, I decided to tackle the … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Family, Gaslighting, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Two Thousand & Forty-Eight Days

I actually had a good night’s sleep last night. Annie barely woke and it made all the difference to how … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Love, Parenting, Relationship

A Learning Curve

I spent all week unsure whether to go back to the domestic abuse group or not, I didn’t want to … More

Abuse, Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, Invalidation, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness

Domestic Abuse

I have just attended a group for domestic abuse and it was awful. I went along as I’ve wondered for … More

Abuse, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Gaslighting, manipulation, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Begrudging The Lesson

Even though Tom complains every single time I take photographs of Annie saying I will blind her or damage her … More

Abuse, Cycle of Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Photography, Relationship, Verbal Abuse

Disgusting

My sisters, Izzy and Sasha, popped around today. When they left, they did something that really upset me. I stood … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Family, Gaslighting, Relationship, Self Esteem, Verbal Abuse

Playing Piece

Despite the fact that Tom and I have decided to give this one last try, Tom has now started making, … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship

Confirmation

I woke up this morning to Tom masturbating in the bed next to me. I laid there wishing he would … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Rejection, Relationship, Sex

Rejected

Tom always used to sit downstairs watching telly until midnight but nowadays, if he’s not at the pub, he goes … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Rejection, Relationship, Sex

A Moment to Make my Heart Melt

While cooking dinner tonight I realised that the house had gone a bit quiet. On further inspection I found Alice … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Parenting, Relationship

Unimportant

I’m so mad at myself. Annie had me up so much on Sunday night and last night even more so. … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness

Letting Go of Hope

I’ve always been really interested in personal growth and I’ve always believed in the power of working with The Universe … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship

The Process of Separating

Today has been harder than I ever imagined it to be for both of us. We both feel that we’ve … More

Abuse, Change, Diarist, Diary, Relationship

What Will Be, Will Be

I’m moving out sometime in the new year but I’m not rushing it as I want to ensure I stay … More

Abuse, Change, Diarist, Diary, Relationship

Living Apart Together

I still love Tom more than ever and I still want a relationship with him but I don’t really want … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, independence, Relationship, solution

Not A Merry Christmas

Christmas was a complete disaster this year. It started off when all of my family – sisters, parents, nieces and … More

Abuse, Christmas, Diarist, Diary, Family, Gaslighting, Relationship

Shopper

Tom shocked me and said he would do the Christmas food shop. I used the opportunity to spend some quality … More

Abuse, Christmas, Diarist, Diary, Relationship

Your Department

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to Tom about buying the kids’ presents for Christmas, his reply –  ‘That’s your … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Selfishness

Happy Fucking Birthday

Yesterday was Tom’s birthday. I woke up vomiting and with a high temperature so had to ask him to take the … More

Abuse, Birthday, Diarist, Diary, Parenting, Relationship

Piece of Shit

We saw my sister, Millie, today. Afterwards, Tom said, “I think Millie is fantastic, she’s clever, highly intelligent, shrewd and … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Relationship, Worthless

A Life of Stress

I have so much going on in my head at the moment, my stress levels are unbelievably high, I never … More

Abuse, Breastfeeding, control, Diarist, Diary, Financial Abuse, Housework, Money, Parenting, Relationship, Stress

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