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Awareness – Intuition – Healing – Personal Growth – Becoming

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Tag: Self Awareness

Time To Succumb

Last night I went out for dinner with Howie. I’d stressed to him beforehand that I couldn’t do anything more … More

Alpha Male, Date, Date Night, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Dominance, Dominant, Love, passion, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, Sex

Good Vs Bad

Over the last few weeks, Howie and I have been texting each other. He is everything Gary isn’t. He’s kind, … More

bad boy, Dating, Relationship, Self Awareness, sensitive man

Intolerable Anguish

I sat thinking about life and love today and I wondered if I pick the ‘bad’ boys, the ones that … More

breakup, Love, Rejection, Relationship, Self Awareness

Fear Takes Hold

I’ve been hit by what I originally thought was a wall of indecision but now realise is more than that. … More

Alone, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Loneliness, Self Awareness, Self Esteem

Escapism

Last night I had a dream that woke me up like no dream has in a long time. It made … More

Compatability, Diarist, Diary, Dream, Escapism, Intuition, narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness

A Quarter of A Century Later…

On New Year’s Eve, Tom told me he was meeting a woman for a coffee date – no problem here, … More

Diarist, Diary, realisation, sadness, Self Awareness

I Want Freedom

Annie has made a few new friends recently and I’ve got to know their mums, Nicola and Sally. Nicola is … More

Diarist, Diary, Freedom, real me, Self Awareness

A Life Sentence

Seven or eight chances weren’t enough so I decided to give Gary another one. He said something to me last … More

Abuse, Highly Sensitive Person, narcissism, Nature or Nurture, Relationship, Self Acceptance, Self Awareness, toxic relationship, Verbal Abuse

Reverting Back To Type

Last night, Gary sent me a message asking if I’d missed him as we haven’t seen each other since Sunday. … More

Abuse, Boundaries, Compatability, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, narcissism, Personal Growth, personal responsibility, Relationship, Responsibility, Self Awareness, toxic relationship, Verbal Abuse

Accepting The Wrong Man

I found myself reading an article today about always attracting the ‘wrong’ man. I based this on the fact that … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Relationship, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love

Achilles Heel

I ended the relationship with Gary today. In the evening, he came around to get his stuff, I let him … More

breakup, Charm, Diarist, Diary, Dominance, Dominant, Relationship, Self Awareness, Sex

The Glue Between Us

I had a dream last night that made me realise just how low down on the list of Gary’s priorities … More

Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Self Awareness, toxic relationship

No Fete, No Fate

I invited Gary and his children to join me and my children at the local village fete today which he … More

Abuse, Alone, Diarist, Diary, Loneliness, narcissism, Relationship, Self Awareness, Verbal Abuse

Single At Heart

I came across an article today about people that are single at heart and I think it sums me up … More

Diarist, Diary, Self Awareness, single, Single At Heart, single life

A Wasted Decade

I spent all day thinking about all the stuff with Gary and decided that I will stay with him. If … More

Abuse, Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Rejection, Relationship, Self Awareness, Self Respect, Sex

Bad Mood, Sad Mood

Despite our recent bouts of arguing, I messaged Gary earlier to say I would go to see a band with … More

apology, Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Responsibility, Self Awareness, Sex

Filling A Void

I’ve just had a moment of clarity . . .  I don’t wholesomely love Gary. There is chemistry between us, … More

Diarist, Diary, emptiness, independence, intimacy, Love, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Selfishness

Masculine Versus Feminine

Last night, Gary and I had a discussion about my willingness to be open and sharing. He said that he … More

Diarist, Diary, Feminine Role, Masculine Role, Relationship, Self Awareness

Challenging My Masculinity

I’m really starting to feel the first challenge with Gary. That’s not a bad thing at all. His raw masculinity … More

Assertiveness, Dating, Diarist, Diary, Self Awareness

A Sign?

Last night just before I went to sleep I asked ‘life’ to help me find love. I asked for a … More

Diarist, Diary, Dream, Love, Relationship, Self Awareness, Trusting Life, Unconditional Love

That Old Devil Called Love

Tom went home to see his family on Boxing Day and came back tonight. He wanted to see Annie but … More

Diarist, Diary, Loneliness, lonely, Personal Growth, Self Awareness

Emptiness

I’m lost. Completely and utterly lost. No, actually I’m beyond lost. I’m empty. I am not sad, down or depressed, … More

Diarist, Diary, emptiness, Self Awareness

Introvert

Phil, who I’m still in touch with every now and then, sent me an article tonight and it resonated so … More

Acceptance, Comfort Zone, Diarist, Diary, Introvert, Self Awareness

Embrace Yourself

I gave Colin a lift home this morning so he didn’t have to get soaked in the rain. Instead of … More

Diarist, Diary, Friends, real me, Self Awareness, shadow self

Me Me Me

I’ve just had a conversation with Karen which was all about a challenging situation she’s going through at the moment. … More

Diarist, Diary, narcissism, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Selfishness

Not Settling

I deleted my account from the dating site today. It wasn’t right, as I knew it wouldn’t be. I looked … More

Celibate, Dating, Dating Site, Diarist, Diary, loving the self, Mediocre, Self Awareness, Settling

Stepping Stones

Phil emailed me last night to tell me that he’d had a meeting with his bosses to discuss the job … More

Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Self Awareness, stepping stones

Conflicting Beliefs

When I was growing up I clearly remember a lot of times when I was told by my mum,  ‘You … More

Childhood Conditioning, Comfort Zone, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, Parenting, questionning, Self Awareness, Self Discovery

Friends Like These

Sometimes something sneaks up on me and takes me completely by surprise. Something that I think I’ve dealt with and … More

Acceptance, Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Friends, inner child, Love, personal development, Personal Growth, Rejection, Self Awareness, unloved, vulnerable, Worthless

I’m Ready

Since the four year anniversary of leaving Tom two days ago, I’ve really felt as though a line has been … More

diairst, Diary, Love, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love

The Gift I Gave

This time four years ago today, I was lying on a mattress on the floor of my new house for … More

Diarist, Diary, Personal Growth, Self Awareness

Truth and Lies

Today I got the answer to my question from both Phil and Tom. Tom refused to answer. He said we … More

Diarist, Diary, Friends, Gaslighting, Self Awareness

Passions & Dreams

I started reading a book that includes an online workbook to help find your passion and dreams to aid you … More

Career, Counselling, Friends, lifecoach, passion, Personal Growth, questionning, Self Awareness

Hardened

I’ve become hardened. The lack of love in my life is hardening me. I remember when I was with Phil, … More

Diarist, Diary, Kindness, negativity, Self Awareness

Saving The World

I’ve had a lot of problems with Katie’s school this week. I have thrown myself into trying to resolve the … More

bullying, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Rescue, emotional support, Healing Journey, Healing Process, Parenting, Rescuer, School, Self Awareness, support

TimeLine

I asked myself a question today which ended up being very thought-provoking. ‘How much of my past have I allowed … More

Balance, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, negativity, Personal Growth, personal power, positivity, Self Awareness, timeline, transformation

Emotional Substitutes

At counselling today we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom, who had … More

Alone, childhood neglect, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, emptiness, Healing Journey, Healing Process, inner child, Letting Go, Neglect, Parents, Physical Attraction, Relationship, Self Awareness, Therapy, Toxic Parent, Unconditional Love

Learning To Embrace The Wild

A series of thoughts throughout the morning led me on a trail of self-discovery that I needed to go on … More

childhood, control, Diarist, Diary, disapproval, fun, Healing Journey, Healing Process, jealousy, judgement, playfulness, recklessness, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, self neglect, wildness, Yes

Free Fall

I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday in TGIs, how sad it … More

Comfort Zone, control, Diarist, Diary, Healing Journey, Healing Process, open heart, Personal Potential, Relationship, Self Awareness, Trust, Universe, Yes

Bargaining For Love

I’m agitated and in the midst of a hurricane of panic. I’m back in touch with my old faithful friends … More

anxiety, Dating, emptiness, Grief, Healing Process, Loneliness, Parenting, Relationship, Self Awareness

Judgement Healing

This morning I woke feeling much better than I have for the last few weeks. I felt positive, balanced and … More

anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Communication, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Healing Process, Hypothyroidism, inner child, judgement, loving parent, music, Self Awareness, Sing

Bittersweet

My Dad rang this morning, he said he wanted to see how I was as I’d been on his mind … More

Acceptance, anxiety, diairst, Diary, Healing Process, Mirroring, Personal Growth, Reflection, Self Awareness, Stress, Toxic Parent, unheard, Universe

The First Stage of Grief

I paid for a course on relationship anxiety yesterday and started watching the first video today. Only four minutes into … More

Alone, Diarist, Diary, Grief, Healing Process, Letting Go, Loneliness, Projection, Relationship Anxiety, Self Awareness, Trusting Life, Universe

Rescue Me

I’ve had a really introspective day today. I was really tired and could feel my mood dropping lower and lower … More

Diarist, Diary, Emotional Rescue, Rescuer, Responsibility, Self Awareness, Trust

Flawed

Since letting go of Tom, I’ve been taking a long hard look at myself and seeing that I am actually … More

Diarist, Diary, emptiness, Fear, Healing Process, Letting Go, Mirroring, Self Awareness, single, single life

A Physical Lifeline

One day last week I had an urge to see my cousin. I went into town today and coincidentally, bumped … More

Diarist, diary., Healing Process, needs, Self Awareness, Sex

An Unexpected Compliment

I went for breakfast with Karen and Sam today. While there we chatted about friends and their values. I said … More

Assertiveness, Change, Diarist, Diary, Friends, Morals, Personal Values, Self Awareness

Bruised

I haven’t had any contact with Phil for about a month now and I’ve barely thought about him in that … More

Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Trust, Trusting Life

Exploration

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and … More

Change, Diarist, Diary, Self Awareness

Learning To Say No

We went to Millie’s today, she’d invited us over to take Jasper so their new puppy, Rex could learn to … More

Assertiveness, Diarist, Diary, Personal Growth, Say No, Self Awareness

Paralysed By A Label

Growing up I soon learned my ‘label.’ My older sister, Millie was ‘The Clever One’ and I was ‘The Pretty … More

Childhood Conditioning, childhood labels, Diarist, Diary, labels, Self Awareness

Wheel of Choice

One of my fondest memories of my childhood is from when I was about 6 or 7.  I was in … More

Childhood Conditioning, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Self Awareness

Slipping Away

This evening Tom came over to bring Annie back from his. Annie left the room and Tom suddenly blurted out … More

abandonment, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Healing Process, Self Awareness

Self Contained

More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There … More

Diarist, Diary, friend, independence, Mirroring, Reflection, Sangfroid, Self Awareness, Self Contained, Self Discovery, Selfishness, Solitude, Stoicism

A Long-Awaited Apology

This morning, I laid in bed in that in-between state of not asleep but not quite awake either and I … More

apology, Diarist, Diary, empathy, Healing Process, Self Awareness

Open Doors

It was Uncle Kevin’s funeral today. I didn’t want to go. All week I’ve been dreading it, I just cannot … More

Childhood Trauma, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, funeral, Grief, judgement, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love

Centred in The Self

Phil texted me tonight, wanting to talk. He told me he’d done a mediation and he’d realised that the last … More

apology, Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Finding My Truth, needs, Relationship, Self Awareness, Selfishness

Weakening

Phil emailed me for the first time since he ended things. I can’t help thinking he did it because he … More

Diarist, Diary, Self Awareness

I’m Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful … More

apology, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Relationship, Responsibility, Self Awareness

It’s Over

Phil sent me an email tonight, “We need to talk. I am not prepared to have a relationship with an … More

breakup, Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Self Awareness

Accepting & Embracing

I spent this evening scanning in all the photos and mementoes from some of the boxes Mum lent me of … More

Acceptance, Childhood Conditioning, Diarist, Diary, Physical Attraction, Relationship, Self Awareness

The Other Half

Yesterday continued to be a complete washout. After writing, I fell asleep for an hour then went off to get … More

Diarist, Diary, Personal Growth, Self Awareness

Free Time Failure

It’s been weeks and weeks since I last had a Saturday night/Sunday to myself. Last weekend Annie and the girls … More

Diarist, Diary, emptiness, Me Time, Self Awareness

The Ripple Effect

I heard about a crash that occurred this morning about fifteen miles from me. A man had driven into two … More

Change, Choice, Diarist, Diary, Parenting, Self Awareness

Compulsive Intuition

Over the last few weeks, something has been building that feels so right. It feels exciting. When I left Tom, … More

Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, Intuition, Personal Growth, Self Awareness

Acceptance

I went to Phil’s last night despite my feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to … More

Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Self Awareness

Invalidated

We decided to spend the bank holiday having a barbecue. As we knew Tom would be at a loose end … More

Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Confidence, Diarist, Diary, Golden Child, Invalidation, narcissism, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love, Worthless

To Be or Not To Be

I spent the afternoon with Phil today. It was perfect. Every time we’re together it feels so good. Being with … More

anxiety, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Hamlet Syndrome, Love, Rejection, Relationship, Relationship Anxiety, Self Awareness, vulnerable

Taking Control

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Connection, Friends with benefits, fuck buddy, narcissism, Parenting, Self Awareness, Sex

Singledom

My friend, Alex and I often have lengthy conversations about life, love, kids, everything. She has become a great sounding … More

Diarist, Diary, friend, Mirroring, Personal Growth, Reflection, Self Awareness, single, single life

The Foundations of Self Esteem

When Josh was a baby, I started writing books for him throughout his childhood and continued doing the same when … More

Childhood Conditioning, Diarist, Diary, Parenting, Self Awareness, Self Esteem, Single Parent, Unconditional Love

Persistent Anger

I’ve spent all day feeling angry again. I’m angry with Phil and I’m angry with someone I met recently and … More

Anger, Diarist, Diary, Relationship, Self Awareness, single life, Trust

Live Up To My Potential

Phil is annoying me so much. I’m sick of his bullshit, I don’t believe him. I don’t think he’s genuine, … More

Childhood Conditioning, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Friends, Personal Potential, personal power, Relationship, Self Awareness

A Different Perspective

I’ve been missing Phil. Last week I craved for him. I needed his warmth, love and security. I needed to … More

Dating, Diarist, Diary, Love, Physical Attraction, Processing, Relationship, Self Awareness, Self Esteem, Unconditional Love

Unravelling

My auntie, who had special needs, spent a lot of her time knitting squares. The squares would then be sewn … More

Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, Self Awareness, unravel

Not Enough

I joined a dating site last week and have been chatting with a man called Theo. He’s intelligent, funny, interesting, … More

Dating, Diarist, Diary, Physical Attraction, Relationship Anxiety, Self Awareness, Self Esteem, Single Parent, single parent dating

Deep

When you have a counselling session that goes quite deep it can leave you feeling a little bit like you’re … More

Childhood Trauma, Choice, Coping Mechanism, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Neglect, Emotional Trigger, Gaslighting, Healing Process, inner child, narcissism, Physical Abuse, Relationship, Self Awareness, Self Harm, Self Protection, Stress, Therapy, trauma, unheard, Unlovable, Verbal Abuse, Writing

My Biggest Fear

I woke in the night in a mad panic. Breathless and absolutely petrified I retreated under my quilt to try … More

Abuse, anxiety, Dream, Dream Interpretation, Fear, Gaslighting, Healing Process, narcissism, Relationship Anxiety, Self Awareness

The Day I Realised My Vocation

I recently read The Five Love Languages, within three chapters I finally understood my relationship history, what made some relationships … More

Counselling, Emotional Needs, future, Healing Process, Love, Personal Growth, Processing, Psychotherapy, Quality Time, Relationship, Relationship History, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, Therapy, Touch, Understanding

Truth

I often notice how events in my life tie in together, even though they may appear to be very different … More

anxiety, Compromise, control, Death, Depression, disapproval, Fear, Finding My Truth, Friends, Relationship, respect, Self Awareness, Stress

Emotional Crutch

Phil and I went out for dinner last night and then back to his for some drinks. I stayed over, … More

Counselling, Diarist, Diary, emotional crutch, Healing Process, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Unconditional Love, value

Anxious

This year has been challenging so far, to say the least. The year began with depression swallowing me whole. I … More

anxiety, Comfort Zone, Depression, Diarist, Diary, emotional safety, Fear, Friends, Healing Process, Identity, Self Awareness

Love

Eleven months have passed since I moved into this house and away from Tom, I don’t even want to think … More

Comfort Zone, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Finding My Truth, Healing Process, intimacy, Love, Personal Growth, Processing, Relationship Anxiety, Self Awareness

Attachments

It’s so strange how things creep up and take me by surprise when I least expect them. Annie is staying … More

Abuse, Attachments, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Connection, Gaslighting, Healing Process, Hope, intimacy, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Processing, Rejection, Self Awareness, Sex, Single Parent, Verbal Abuse

Weight of The World

When I left Tom I had no choice but to apply for financial assistance in the form of some benefits. … More

Abuse, anxiety, Boundaries, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, control, Diarist, Diary, Family, Fear, Healing Process, Money, narcissism, Parenting, Parents, Personal Growth, Responsibility, Self Awareness, Single Parent, Stress, Trauma Bonding

Letter To James

A few weeks ago when I was right in the midst of terror and crisis, I got back in touch … More

Abuse, Blame, Childhood Conditioning, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Finding My Truth, Healing Process, narcissism, Parenting, Personal Growth, Processing, Responsibility, Self Awareness, Therapy, Trust, Writing

Scared

It’s quite a journey that I went on to realise how scared I am. It started by looking at some self-portraits … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Fear, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Self Discovery

Learning To Walk Again

I built a bookcase today. I was tempted to ring him, ask him to do it and then I thought, … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Healing Process, narcissism, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, Self Esteem

Dismissed

My psychotherapist, James, says that I dismiss myself. Maybe I do but when did it start? I know that Tom … More

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Gaslighting, Loneliness, narcissism, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Self Discovery, Therapy

Worthless

Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own but I always saw it … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Selfishness, Worthless

A Learning Curve

I spent all week unsure whether to go back to the domestic abuse group or not, I didn’t want to … More

Abuse, Boundaries, Diarist, Diary, Invalidation, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness

Unimportant

I’m so mad at myself. Annie had me up so much on Sunday night and last night even more so. … More

Abuse, Diarist, Diary, Emotional Needs, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness

Seeing The Negatives

I had another counselling session today and have come to realise that the way I am with Tom is becoming … More

Abuse, Change, Childhood Trauma, Counselling, Diarist, Diary, Parents, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self Awareness, Therapy

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